Expelled from Match.com! How to Get Tossed Off the Popular On-line Dating Site
by Allen Smith.
Anyone who’s dipped their toes into the murky waters of the on-line dating scene will sprint away from the tide after learning that while there are plenty of fish in the sea, there are also plenty of nets. While learning about how the seamy underbelly of electronic dating is really manipulated, this investigative journalist found himself expelled from Match.com after going deep undercover into the popular Internet dating service.
I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” to judge the waters for myself. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to on-line dating services, most are looking for the same thing and their profiles all read the same. So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor?
Dating headline:
Tom Selleck Look-a-like In Search of Love
For fun:
I enjoy interesting outdoor activities like sneaking up on bears and startling skunks. I like doing things in dark, damp places and would like to find someone who enjoys the same. I love the ocean and dream of opening a five-star skin care clinic at the trendy Paranur Gandhi Leprosy Colony in Hawaii. Like my parole officer, I feel that if you find the right vocation, your job and your hobbies become one in the same.
My job:
I work as a telemarketer for a cemetery. Calling people at dinner time to discuss their immediate plans after death has helped me immensely with the online dating scene. After working at “Plots ‘R Us” for six months, I’ve developed a thick enough skin to allow me to work through all of the hate mail and death threats that I’ve accumulated at Match.com.
My ethnicity:
I was born the only Jewish boy in a home full of Mormon women. Plagued by daily beatings at the hand of my 7-year old sister, I struck out on my own at the age of 43, in search of my father: the only gay Karate Instructor I’ve ever known. My mother told me that I was conceived in the back seat of a 1943 Peugeot station wagon on her prom night. Since that time, I’ve become inexplicably drawn to used car salesmen and the smell of cheap upholstery.
My religion:
I was baptized as a Buddhist, circumcised by a freelance Mohel and spent the first 10 years of my life sequestered in a Catholic confessional, so I consider myself religious but not spiritual. My sect believes in reverse re-incarnation: that mankind has already lived their best days in the distant past. Each time we are re-born, we return one rung lower on the ladder of life. Eventually, after returning enough times, we end up as a chewed piece of gum, stuck on the bottom of someone’s shoe only to be scraped off on the curb.
Favorite hot spots:
I’m generally not a “club” person, but sometimes I’ll dress up in my best leisure suit and hit the disco circuit; pretty tough since discos went out in the 1970’s. I love traveling and will often stow away in cargo containers aboard trans-pacific freighters. The accommodations aren’t great but I’ve met a lot of wonderful people and have become fluent in 15 dialects of Tagalog.
Favorite things:
Since I’ve been paroled, life has been about taking advantage of all of the things I could never have while sharing a cell with three women: my own bar of soap, sharp objects, a mirror, keeping a whole pack of cigarettes to myself, being able to fall asleep without screaming, being stabilized on my medications, a new tattoo every week with a clean needle and unfettered access to the general public.
Last read:
Although I love to read, since the lobotomy I haven’t been able to tackle anything much longer than 10 words before I start to hyperventilate. I generally stick to reading the instructions on Preparation H boxes or the search warrants that inevitably come every week. Someday, I’d like to tackle a great American novel; something like “Curious George and the Pizza”, “Is Your Mama a Llama?” or “The Frog and the Toad Are Friends.”
About me and what I’m looking for:
My therapist tells me that I’m a mystery wrapped in an enema. I’ve been told that I’m good looking, sexy, have great legs, am fun to be with and an exceptional wit. But that might have been just to get me to eat my peas.
I spend most of my time outdoors and love to travel. Not having a place to live will do that to you. I love exercise and enjoy a good chase from the police on a warm summer evening. My special lady has to be tall, smart, athletic and of good child-rearing stock, as I intend to have a ten or fifteen kids once I get off of the anti-depressants.
I was raised by my grandparents: devout polygamists who practiced celibacy. My grandmothers used to tell me that I could be anything in life I wanted to be as long I made decisions with my “big” head instead of my “little” head.
I’m looking for the kind of woman who knows how to take care of me: the kind of lady who doesn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to adjust my IV drip or change my diaper. I need a woman who likes to cuddle and hold me after my panic attacks. I’m a great conversationalist and most of the time I can form whole sentences despite the Thorazin. I like sitting by the fire sharing a good bottle of wine with my special lady. Over the years, I’ve amassed quite a collection of screw top wines from all over the world. I also like to think of myself as quite a good cook. In the Rocky Mountains, we have a lot of road kill during the spring, so I’ve become something of a connoisseur when it comes to preparing wild game.
They say that the majority of successful relationships begin in the workplace. Although I’ve had passionate relationships with the UPS driver, the Xerox repair person, three of the security guards, fourteen temps, all of the cleaning women and half of the secretaries, I still haven’t found “the one”. Having exhausted all of my workplace options, I’m turning to Match.com to meet that special someone.
I have exceptionally high standards with the women that I allow into my life. They have to be either smart, dull, funny, lifeless, passionate, cold, humorless, wealthy, poor, athletic, sedentary, slim, fat, beautiful, plain, wealthy, broke, healthy, infirm, generous, cinchy, self-centered, older, young, well-traveled, self-absorbed or have just about any other quality that a man looks for in a woman; as long as they’re alive, warm and breathing.
I’m not into games, so please do not email me or send me winks unless you enclose a minimum of 12 autographed 8 X 12, professionally prepared, high resolution color photographs, can type a minimum of 150 words per minute with 90% accuracy and you’re ready to have kids right away.
……
After submitting my member profile to Match.com, I was required to “agree” to their terms of use. The agreement is the usual legal mumbo-jumbo that cloaks their service in a thin veneer of protection against libelous statements flaunted in my member profile. It isn’t until I read the fine print of the terms of agreement that I ran into problems. Match.com states:
1. You will not post on the Service, or transmit to other Members, any defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive, sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal material
2. You will not provide inaccurate, misleading or false information to the Company or to any other Member
3. You understand and agree that Match.com may review and delete any content, messages, double-blind emails, photos or profiles
4. You will not impersonate any person or entity
5. All information provided must be accurate and current
Point two is what got me into trouble. Well, actually it was all of them…
After submitting my profile, I received a computer generated email that stated:
Dear MrMarvelous,
Thank you for submitting your profile to Match.com.
Unfortunately, we are unable to approve it at this time. Please submit another profile or alter the text you previously sent by following these steps:
• All information provided must be accurate and current
• Must be in English
• You must be single or separated from your spouse
• Do not include detailed personal information (i.e.: your full name, street address, contact information, date of birth, etc.) to help protect your online anonymity
• Do not include any language which could be considered defamatory or offensive in any way (i.e.: sexually explicit, promotes racism, references to inflicting bodily harm to yourself or others, etc.)
Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem adhering to their guidelines if I hadn’t already been duped by hundreds of women who described themselves as “Athletic and toned” who earn “$75,000-$150,000″, “Don’t smoke”, only have “One or two drinks” and “Have one strategically placed tattoo.” These, of course, are actually over the hill, chain-smoking, alcoholic dishrags on welfare. But, the Match.com Police don’t seem to be knocking on their doors. Noooo…
Once you’ve been expelled by Match.com, it’s almost impossible to subscribe to any other on-line dating service. Word gets around fast. In my quest to find Ms. Right, I’ve had to resort to inventing dozens of other original screen names. But, fortunately I’ve been able to re-use my member profile.
So, the moral of the story is, “Don’t mess with Match.com” or you too may find yourself banished from the singles on the Internet. A terrible, terrible fate…
About the author: Allen is a freelance writer living in Vail, Colorado who writes about health, fitness and outdoor sports. He is also an award winning humor writer and published his first book in 2005 called, “Ski Instructors Confidential: the stories ski instructors swap back at the lodge.” In addition to writing, Smith is a certified ski instructor with the Professional Ski Instructors of America and teaches skiing at Vail Mountain in Vail, Colorado. You can contact Allen at http://www.snowwriter.com.
Popularity: 14% [?]
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 am
This is hysterical, I could not stop laughing. And, I love the point you made as well and fully agree.
If you determine a way to meet people without using an online service, let me know!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Could be considered funny, but it was just too saturated to be truly appreciated. Not to mention you come off like a total prick.
I’m just sayin’
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:34 pm
HA! I went through the same thing with Match.com!!! My profile was real though! I went through 4 rewrites and eventually settled for the same mundane profile like every PC word on there. What a crock! I did notice a bias on woman’s profiles though. Some nasty words on womens profiles would be posted and my honesty rejected? next….
September 5th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
That profile would fit right in on Nerve.com. Your mistake was going with the big, mainstream online dating services.
Heck, if I saw your profile on nerve, I’d send you a wink, just to see what was behind all of the bluster.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
This is an absolute scream! I found your profile to be rather original! and would have loved to have seen it on match as the ones there are dross, dull and lack any depth!
September 10th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Absolutely creative, witty and funny. I commend you for trying to do something original and unique. Two thumbs up. Are you still in the market?
September 10th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
MrMarvelous–SINgleGIRL is right, you need to find your rightful home. You don’t want a “one-size-fits-all” dating service, you want to be where you’ll be appreciated.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Afterwards a post read I hold no wonders remaining around it. Anyone would pay many cash for the edifications provided in the blog, i know i would. Comprehensive detailed and loads of fun is this blog. I enjoy the happy feel of the blog. I like the speed at which the blog is updated. I like the way the author convinces you one step at a time. Like the fact that the site is written with an open mind. Quality over quantity is the motto on this blog by all means. So simple but so eloquent are the ideas given in the blog. This blog is such a microscope it shows even the littlest of details on the niche.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
can’t stop myself laughing.I love your ultimate profile.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:53 am
Oddly enough, this approach actually worked for me. I got TONS of hits on the profile, about 50 emails from women all over the world and even went on a couple of dates. It seems that there are a few lovely ladies out there who immediately understood the vein the profile was written in - to express my twisted sense of humor and not get to serious.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Excellent to spot that around all posts are banded together with relevant illustrations. I adore how the blog confers the good guidance on everything. There are no irritating pop-ups as some have. A gold mine both in quantity as well as quality of posts. I indicate this to any who wants to dwell into this topic. It’s as the author has eyes of a hawk by no means forgetting any point. The characteristic that I admire and use mostly is search on this site. The videos included in the blog turn it even more interesting. This site is what holds me aligned with ultimate knowledge.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
There are actually some dating services that are legit. I agree with you completely that some of the free online dating services are a joke. There is no monitor. Great Expectations does background and credit checks this eliminates the fakes.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Profiles on *ALL* dating sites barring none are same old same old - they read the same. How do you makes yours stand out?! Good point!!
I agree with Match Maven you need to find the dating site that fits you
a niche site… OR you could chk out Vdateonline… I like it ‘cuz I can actually see and talk to these people and determine for myself whether they are what they claim to be on their profile 
AND I can do all this without sharing my email id or messenger id!
September 17th, 2008 at 2:22 am
I’ve found that the interesting thing about online dating is that it reverses the entire sequence of events relating to meeting someone new. In traditional dating, you see someone from across the room and are either attracted to them or not - usually because of looks, vibes or pheromes. Then, after you’ve gotten to know them, you discover their likes and dislikes. With computer dating, you discover what makes them tick BEFORE you’ve had a chance to see if your chemistry clicks. It makes for some interesting encounters. Some of them work and some of them don’t.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Hi,
We read your blog. It contain great information which is very very useful for us.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Stick with free sites!
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Thanks for the interesting and useful information. Written well worth waiting for the next record. Read with interest. For the most part agree with the author, but some of the allegations are questionable ..
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
This post is hysterical!!! Kudos to you for trying to be unique!
September 24th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
That was great! Of course Match doesn’t seem to get what you are saying….and as far as a bias goes, I’ve seen plenty of men’s profiles that shouldn’t have been approved by those standards!
September 25th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
lol they expelled you for that? thats lame… i dont see anything wrong with a little creativity
-jason
September 26th, 2008 at 12:11 am
The profile went over the top…your sense of humor seems off…match was right to ban and I think every woman should be aware…lol
September 29th, 2008 at 5:58 am
hilarious… i might have given you a call if i saw that profile just to satisfy my curiousity. LOL
personally, i’ve been in one of those online dating services before but i realized, i still preferred the traditional way. nothing beats meeting a guy accidentally.
September 30th, 2008 at 5:00 am
Epic win! lol, I think you’re right though, they really ought to be just as anal about screening the women as the men, and I do think the women are more apt to lie in their profiles than the guys are, unless we’re talking about income…
October 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Women may love a sense of humor but Match.com definitely doesn’t … unless it’s in the form of many tens and twenty dollar bills. Have you thought about challenge them? I mean how do they know you haven’t had a lobotomy. You’re trying to date again, aren’t you? And what’s wrong with having celibate grandparents? Not a day goes by that I wish my ex’s grandparents had lived that life style.
Perhaps, my friend, you are better off not being part of the Match.com meat market. I’m single by choice. Not my choice but at least things are quieter this way. Actually I like being single … except for the bit about not having a woman around. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy some more lotion and kleenex.
October 5th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Brilliant!!! Absolutely BRILLIANT!!! With a little massaging you still might be able to get this false profile through. At least that’s my hope for this profile. It will be a monumental victory in my opinion.
October 9th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Thats a great story haha
October 11th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
How come they aren’t more diligent about all the old profiles that no one responds to?
That would be worth policing.
October 21st, 2008 at 7:01 am
Hysterical! Funny stuff!
October 24th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Wonderful story!
haha… I have a Match.com profile but I don’t think I would want to subscribe to their service because you wouldn’t know who is and is not a subscribed member. So, you could be wasting your time sending emails to members who can’t even view your email messages. This is a wonderful blog!! :)))
October 24th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
A few months ago I wouldn’t have dated myself, but I have really gotten my life together and I’m content. I just let go of a couple of friends that were bad for me, who I allowed to bring me down. Now that I’ve broken away from them I see myself in a whole new light and I’m loving what I’m seeing. I would definitely take myself out. This is a great question BTW.
October 29th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
What EVERYONE seems to be OVERlooking here is that by writing a TIMEWASTING profile you are WASTING PEOPLE’s TIME. The administrators and the site users are TRYING to find love and YOU are making fun of them.
I do NOT know if you had ALSO noticed but there is a credit crunch on at the moment, so people are in EXTRA need of some love and attention.
NOT funny, Mr. Smith.
GET A LIFE.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
As a serial online dater, and chronic single chick, I would have loved that profile and would have tried to talk to you based on it. Too bad Match wouldn’t allow it.
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
That was pretty funny!
November 6th, 2008 at 10:40 am
WHAT A GREAT SPEECH AS YOU JUST POSTED ,you know it will takes alot of stree and energy but you still have to keep life going .it is very funny.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
This was the funniest blog entry I have read in a while. I was laughing out loud here at work, people are staring… How can they not allow someone as brutally honest as you were? I am writing them a letter, haha!
November 9th, 2008 at 1:16 am
This is hilarious! Good luck out there…
xoxo~
November 13th, 2008 at 3:24 am
That was one of the most hilarious posts that I have ever seen on a blog. This is going to have me laughing the rest of the night. Thanks!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am
It is only one example of Match.com manipulations in online dating business and there are thousands of other not so popular dating sites which try to ‘create activity’ on their sites to get ranked well by Google.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:14 am
It’s amazing how big business can limit the little guy! No sense of humor means bad business.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
LOL - IMO, your profile is more interesting than most profile in my dating site.
I’m sure you’ll get a lot of date
November 29th, 2008 at 1:50 am
wow that is funny to know, i think that i will give it a try.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:18 am
I am surprised they didn’t just take your money and let women write you at their own risk? Wow…
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 am
LMAO! I’ve thought about doing the same thing with Match.com. A huge problem with that site is the fact that every profile looks the same. Hell, even the pictures seem to have a template. Ever notice that every woman’s profile will have at least one of each of the following: a picture of her as a bridesmaid, a picture of her holding a niece/nephew, a pet picture and a bunch of photos of her with at least 5 other girls? Oh, and everyone is ’spiritual and not religious.’ It’s all too predictable. I bet that originality would work in this situation.
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Its so funny what you did to your profile, i just can help but to laugh when i saw it. i reaaly like the point that you made that to leverage yourself against your male competitors and attract more than your fair share of the lovelier sex. I have used that techniques in other dating sites and its been working perfectly well for me.
Nero
December 4th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Dude. Your profile was hilarious! I used match.com for 6 months and its amazing how many different types are on there. There are some women who want to married yesterday and there are sleezy guys who admit to wanting sex during the first phone conversation (at least what the girls I dated from there told me).
-Adam
December 7th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Hilarious! This is great!
And to many other’s points, I am shocked they would delete this. We have at our site tons of profiles that one of our authors (CJ) posts horribly obscene things I always assume will get us banned but never seem too…
December 7th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
great info. thanks
December 12th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
The profile made me literally LOL, but as others indicated, there’s a fine line between original humor and obnoxiousness. I’ve read (and answered) numerous profiles that effectively showcased a unique sense of humor, but there has to be SOMETHING legitimate mixed in there somewhere. If it’s all just punch line after punch line, how is a potential partner going to know if she’s interested? She could write on a whim because she likes your sarcasm, but chances are slim that you would have other things in common if you haven’t given her any idea of what you’re all about. Again, humor is fine, but the most successful profiles use it as garnish to honesty and openness, not vice versa.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Funny stuff! It is true, match is saturated with too many singles.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
This is exactly why I prefer to stick to free sites such as craigslist and plentyoffish. Check out my blog is you really want to see what works awesome.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I agree that is very funny like anyone was going to believe that was true. No wonder everyone’s profile looked the same. You’re not allowed to be creative.
January 19th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
You stole my profile. Seriously, that was a great profile and everyone knows that it was meant to be funny. It is a copy cat world and a profile out of the box is refreshing. Creativity is huge plus in online dating success. it also helps if you tell the truth , so when you actually meet someone.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:25 am
That is hilarious! Ill agree with Dating who believes that women have more of an advantage in the dating world. Match.com and other dating sites probably have to use all types of barriers as a means of protection from getting sued.
February 10th, 2009 at 1:49 am
The hilarious thing is that profile will actually work, I guarantee it. Now, I wouldn’t poke too much fun at Match.com because they walk a fine line trying to connect people together and undoubtedly have to do some pretty ridiculous things to keep the sheep safe and mingling. A profile that is too effective will probably be dinged or metered somehow, or attacked on the grounds that at least one piece of it must be untrue.
Good piece on the story, fantastic profile.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:14 am
Excellant!!!
Match.com is a scam.
Dangerous!!!
Amazing it is being advertized as a great place to find one’s special someone!
Just don’t go there.
Thanks
February 25th, 2009 at 9:13 am
The picture was really awesome in the last. Very interesting..I may be need your services at some point in the future.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Great Opinion~! Thanks for sharing.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
That’s the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Why didn’t I think of that?
March 7th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
its quite funny but you should not have posted in your profile showing yourself better than other guys to attract gals
March 11th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I did an experiment with online identities. This experiment consisted of using 2 profiles one male and one female. Everything was identical except female vs. male names, female vs. male profile pictures. All accounts where deleted after the social test. You and others may find the data interesting. It can be found on goofbucket. However the point I am posting here is also the extreme need to be very, very careful with online relationships. As with the title of this article, online persona’s can be misleading. Goofbucket deletes such acts daily.
March 28th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
my God, i thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it with �we leave it to you to decide�.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I agree with Jerry, it was obviously meant to be funny. Your a roit, you’d be a great catch for any gal! Good Luck. By the way, I did my current boyfriend of two years on match.com….maybe a commercial is in our future….lol
June 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
is there anyone that has not been checked out by this powerful dating site before, my own first experience was with plentyoffish.com. no specific reason though, I just hope we all find the true love we want from the girl next door.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I can totally relate. For some reason match.com stopped displaying my profile?!?! I tried to contact them with no response.
I now you facebook.com, plettyoffish.com and twitter of all things. I’m not maried yet so how well they work is still up in the air.
Luv the article…a good read.