Does Match.com Promotes Infidelity?
by Zane Trae Kearney.
“It’s Okay to Look.” Only in certain contexts and situations could this slogan be construed as a truthful notion in the dating scene. In everyday conversations this phrase gets tossed around by men and women in relationships talking amongst their friends about the “hottie” they saw the other day in the parking lot. “Hey, it’s not cheating. It’s okay to look.”
There’s a fine line, however, between the hottie you saw by happenstance in the parking lot the other day and the hotties you’re looking at on the internet via dating websites. I’ll give you an example and we’ll see if you can distinguish the difference. To embody yourself into a setting, I was in a seemingly steady relationship for a year already. Ostensibly things were heading down the path of taking things to the never-ending “next level” and the sensation that I found “that one” was embedded in my thoughts.
Let’s take it a step further. For the purpose of openness, the two of us decided to share personal information with each other such as email passwords and what not. Although there isn’t a trust issue (don’t jump to conclusions), one day I decided to look into what she was up to and I checked her email. Rightfully so, she asked me to because she was expecting an email and wasn’t around a computer. While looking for the expected email I come across emails from a website known as Match.com asking her to finish filling out her “free profile”. I said nothing.
On my own time, I researched into the matter further. I logged onto her Match.com profile only to see that everywhere was written how she was “ready for the ‘man’ of her dreams”. The only place that I was mentioned (not by name) was in the segment where people are allowed to say anything they please about themselves. Ironically, the only way she could define herself was by demeaning and degrading me!
When I finally decided to confront her about this, her response was apathetic and robotic, “…but it’s okay to look.” Of course, in retrospect, I realized things weren’t perfect but my wondrous perplexing never-leaves-your-thoughts of, “If Match.com never said that, would she still have thought it?” droned itself on and on and on.
So back to the start – parking lot looking versus online dating. The line gets drawn by intent. While gazing off at the hard body in the parking lot, intention of pursuit is never established until the very moment you act upon your contemplations.
Looking online is different in a considerable amount of ways. Browsing on an online dating site is never harmless. There is no medium. There is no parking lot between you preventing you from confronting the person, from making your intentions clear. Browsing dating profiles signifies intent from the start. If there wasn’t some sort of intentions of meeting up with someone or looking to see what else is out there (grass is greener syndrome) then why else would you be on that site? There is solely one purpose to sites such as Match.com – to connect people on a romantic level! If you aren’t seeking a romantic connection, then you have no true business browsing the profiles.
Intent online is blatant, cut and dry. All that’s there is black and white, gray simply does not exist. So how does Match.com promote infidelity? It’s simple. The slogan that “It’s Okay to Look” puts out the message to it’s viewers that the rule that applies to real life personal human interaction of “looking” (parking lot hard body) also applies to the constituents of online dating and it simply does not.
Some will argue that people will find a means to lie or cheat or deceive regardless of what an advertisement has as a slogan. There is truth in that statement. However, the questions must be raised asking if companies like Match.com didn’t use slogans such as “It’s Okay to Look,” would that person have ever had the idea to be deceptive in the first place? If the “looking” rule that applies to real life wasn’t promoted as an equal edict to online dating, would people clearly recognize the difference? It feels as a never-ending cycle, sort of a chicken-or-the-egg complex. To be cliché, the world may never know…
About the author: Originally born in Kansas, Zane moved to California at the tender age of nine. As the years of his schooling progressed he began to notice certain talents that he had. He’s been writing since he’s’ really known how to. When Zane was seven, he had a published children’s book titled “The TV Monster” which, unfortunately, can’t seem to be found anywhere anymore. He is currently attending Cal State University of San Marcos and hope to graduate in the spring of 2009 with a bachelor’s degree in art and technology with an emphasis in graphic design and music production. He and friends have a musical group they’re developing called “The Racket” which can be found on http://myspace.com/zanetrae He also has a personal blog on zanetrae.blogspot.com.
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May 9th, 2008 at 12:50 am
I agree with that, there’s nothing wrong with online dating websites. This websites, like Match.com helps two strange people to meet.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
For a moment I thought you had read your partner’s email without her consent, but I was glad to see you recognised that such an action is a big no-no (however I think many women think all is fair in love and war and would have no worries about invading a man’s privacy).
Dating sites are exactly what they say, i.e. dating sites. If you met your partner through a dating site and your relationship was going well, after a while you would have every right to request that your partner discontinue their subscription (paid or otherwise), remove their profile and pack up shop, on that site. If, as in your case, your partner was on a site ‘just for looking’, then I agree wholeheartedly with you that something is wrong. A female friend once told me that when a woman dates a man she has long-term goals in mind (once the relationship passes the initial startup phase)… ‘just looking’ at other men is not something most women want to do. Okay, as you say, person window-shopping as an afterthought is ok, but when a woman signs up to a dating site and makes the effort to frequent it, then it is time to call it a day with her. It does not help that many/most dating sites are intend on profits and don’t care in the slightest about how they market themselves.
So to summarise, I agree with your assertion that dating sites are a step further along the path of infidelity than a quick glance at a fit body.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
If I caught my man on Match.com - he would no longer be my man. It’s cheating - full on! Dating websites put the courtship process into the microwave. Instead of meeting someone in a parking lot, getting their number, calling them up, going on the first date, getting to know one another, etc. etc….. slow-cooker method; the dating website builds intimicay in a matter of moments - just as fast as we can type out our perception of reality.
By the time you get to a first meeting after meeting someone on Match, you are already intimately involved - and sex happens so much faster. I wish I knew the statisitics but I bet sex from a Match meeting occurs at least 80% fster.
So - if my man is “just looking” on a dating website, he can keep looking.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I have got to agree with martin there is nothing wrong with online dating. People have sometimes got the wrong misconception of adult dating they think it is a last resort for social misfits, but they are so far away from the truth it is unbelievable, as online dating is a excellent social tool for those who lead a busy live style, who have shyness issues, or people who want to expand their social circles.
The number of people participating in adult dating has exploded over the last few years, there could be many reasons but over 40 million people cannot be wrong.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
My hunch is she would have found some way to cheat if there was no Match.com or its ads, as you point out there were problems anyway. There will always be problems, and how people resolve them determines whether they can stay together. I’ve had my own painful betrayal experiences, which have helped in knowing myself and finding the right person.
A good rule I’ve heard is that your activity (whatever it is) is a problem if you don’t want your partner knowing about it–honesty and openness are key for long-term relationships.
May 18th, 2008 at 2:35 am
I think there can be many reasons for infidelity but certainly we cannot blame match.com.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I don’t have a problem with dating sites, I do have a major problem with half of a pair frequenting one. Admiring a nice ass walking through a parking lot is one thing, logging on to go through singles is entirely different.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
It’s OK to look? One of the biggest myths in the world, man, and more women have left men for looking than you would think, ’cause they know what comes after looking. Of course, if you ‘match-up’ with someone, you should pull your profile. C’mon.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Online dating sites give members so much choice right at their finger tips. Where else can people have so much choice at their disposal in such a short amount of time.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
All I can say is..be careful…more so on dating sites actually, cause’ your info is out there for all to browse thru’ and thats in one way or another a scary notion in itself.
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:33 am
Online “dating” might seem harmless,
but remember the one on the other
end is a real person. People get hurt.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
lols..nice blog! =)
we shares the common interest..
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I like Online dating… You never know is it a beutiful women from the picture or ugly naked guy.
May 25th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I appreciate everyone’s feedback! You all have some good points, however, I’m not bashing dating sites in any way. To me it feels as if Match.com in particular could potentially be sending out a mixed message with their slogan which, in my situation, had some pretty disreputable damage. I strongly believe that if you’re in a committed relationship with someone that you should not be frequenting online dating sites and most definitely not be setting up profiles about yourself with the excuse that “it’s okay to look.” But hey, if online dating is what works for you, then by all means go for it! If you have a significant other, do them a favor and break it off if you feel yourself wanting to see if the grass is greener before you start checking into it.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:52 am
I joined match.com and it surprises me the amount of people on there that have their status as single and I actually know these people and know they are by no means “single”… anyway I have even started a blog about my match.com dating… so far it has been a disaster if anyone is interested in checking it out :
http://blah-love-blah.blogspot.com
June 7th, 2008 at 12:05 am
in my opinion men and women were made to look and flirt. As soon as that impulse becomes repressed the person starts to lose the things that made them attractive to their partner in the first place-attributes like confidence. The harder you hold on to someone the more likely they are to stray.
June 29th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Fidelity is an alien concept to our species. It’s only social structure that gives the illusion we are secure in our relationships… or that we are ‘owed’ a relationship for that matter.
The fact the girl in question was shopping on Match is nothing more than a representation of how we are as humans. If someone isn’t 100% happy in a relationship their natural programming tells them to find someone else. People who deny this are clinging to social indoctrination in the belief that if they subscribe to the rules so should everyone else.
The main problem is that we take relationships and being dumped so personally. The ego is a cruel master. If someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore, surely that’s their perogative. Trying to make them do anything else would constitute manipulation in order to satisfy your own demands… now that would be plain mean!
July 10th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
It doesn’t really promote infidelity, it depends on the person.