The 15 Minute Dating Blog

by Rose Johnson.

Wow! Not only is your online date good looking, suave, well-dressed, but a rock star/investment banker/rocket scientist? Sounds too good to be true — and, chances are — it might not be true at all. From my year or so of online dating, I’ve learned how to sort the good apples from the bad and I’d like to share some of the tricks I’ve picked up to background-checking potential dates.

It’s human nature to inflate our accomplishments, pat ourselves on the back, and brag a little, especially when you’re speaking to an attractive member of the opposite sex. In the context of online dating, it’s even easier to create a false persona, to portray ourselves in just the right light. It’s so easy to change a B.A. in English to a M.A. in Physics with just the switch of a single letter. It’s even easier to add an extra zero added to your yearly income. And when the time comes, it’s still easy to carry out this persona. A rented car to impress a date? Just make sure the Budget sticker is inconspicuous. A borrowed apartment? Not to worry, just insure that your date doesn’t notice the Metamucil in the medicine cabinet or the six bottles of vodka in the recycling – “it’s not mine! I swear!” might not cut it.

White lies are fine, we all want to impress our dates, but I want to give you the advice that I’ve learned for some good back-ground checking to make sure your date is really who they say are. On my first online date, after an hour of good conversation flirtatious eyelash-batting with “David,” the “stable Physics graduate student,” it leaked that he had been a “graduate” of college for ten years without a job, without a relationship, and was currently couch-surfing between friend’s pads. I’m not here to pass judgment on those couch-surfing unemployed guys – for all we know, they could be the one! – but I am here to pass judgment on liars. An unemployed creep with a thing for feet could be disguised as an upright investment banker and I’m here to tell you just how to distinguish the two.

Before you meet up:

1. Google. What a wonderful invention. Just simply type in first and last name in quotation marks and see what comes up. For example, if her name is Sheryl Cassidy, type “Sheryl Cassidy” into the search engine. Unfortunately, if your date has a common name, try typing in any further information you have – like the school they went to, the company they work for, where they grew up or where they were born. Any information helps narrow the results.

2. Don’t forget Facebook, MySpace, Friendster or any other social networking site. Again, just type in the name. If they don’t pop up in your network, think of a friend you can call that might be in the same network as your date. If your date went to Harvard (we hope!) and works for Goldman-Sachs (even better!) think of any friend or friend of a friend or brother’s ex-girlfriend’s cousin that went to Harvard and ask them to scope out Mr. or Ms. X.

3. Last resort! If none of the above worked, think sneaky. The best tactic I ever did was call anyone you know in common or the workplace of your potential date pretending to be a secretary. This secretary was given their contact information as a reference from an application of Mr. or Ms. X and would like to ask a few questions:
1. How long have you known Mr. or Ms. X and in what capacity?
2. Do you consider him or her to be a responsible individual?
3. Is there anything this company would benefit from knowing about Mr. or Ms. X about his or her personal life or character traits?

Remember to be brief, formal, and not too nosy. Just a few questions to make sure that your date really is who he says he is.

During the Date:

Now the easiest tactic to ensure you aren’t being fooled will draw on your cuteness, ability to flirt, and self-confidence. Are you up to the challenge? Begin like this:

1. Coyly ask while running your fingers through your hair/batting your eyelashes, “So, how tall do you think you are? I feel so tall/short/just the right height when I’m around you. . .”
2. He or she will reply, alternately, ” Six foot/ Five Nine/ Five Four” whatever.
3. You will reply with mock astonishment, “No! You are so tall/short/just the right height! I don’t believe you! I need to see some ID Mister/Miss!”

Nine times out of ten a driver’s license will be produced. Men, have some tact and pretend not to notice the weight listed – never, ever comment on a woman’s weight. If a driver’s license is not produced, be wary but don’t be too pushy. Some people, women in particular, are self-conscious of their photos or weight listed. There are other ways to do this if this tactic makes your date uneasy.

While your dates is beguiling you with stories of his or her success, make sure to pay attention to the times which all of this is taking place. So he graduated from Harvard in ’03 but has been working at Goldman-Sachs for six years? Something doesn’t add up. Make sure to ask when and where things took place. So she went to high school in Los Angeles but can’t remember where the Lakers play? Something smells fishy.

In addition to time and place, remember to ask why. This is a marker of good conversation as well as it is a good tactic for discovering your dates true identity. Ask why, for instance, your date moved to Philadelphia after being so gainfully employed in Boston. Similar questions indicate interest and engagement while still mining information valuable to determining whether or not your date is really who he or she says he is.

These are some words from the wise. Believe me - There was one time that a quick look at a California driver’s license revealed to me that charming, witty, handsome, young “David” was really named “Michael” and was born in 1978, not 1983. I wouldn’t have minded if Michael had told me the truth from the start but seeing that he lied completely wrecked any trust I could have eventually developed. I walked out on the date then and there – a friend flying in from Albuquerque mysteriously arrived at the airport, a sick dog stitches had burst, my mother wanted me home to water her cacti. If was lying, he was also given me license to lie and the more creative the better. I never found out why Michael lied but, honestly, at that point, I didn’t want to.

Little lies indicate huge acts of deception and I feel that in this modern world, we need to start every relationship completely open to both all of our dates’ traits – both the credentials and the shortcomings. What we might view as a shortcoming now might evolve into a great trait in the future, for example, when your date says he or she is “between jobs” maybe they are go-getters who always aspire for better work. Or maybe this could indicate a creative, artistic streak. You never know how your feelings might change as the relationship evolves. So, with these words, try to be wary without being suspicious and be confident while retaining all honesty. Good luck and happy hunting!

About the author: Rose is a 22-year-old waitress currently waiting to hear back from graduate schools. When she isn’t going out on the town with one of her numerous dates, she is painting landscapes, playing the guitar, and cooking with her friends. A friend introduced her to online dating about a year ago and, after a few double dates, she struck out on her own. Experience has taught her many lessons from these dates and she hopes to share her stories so you can avoid many, many of the mistakes she’s made and the learn her tricks to the trade.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 4:18 pm and is filed under Dating Tips, Strange Dating Ideas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.