Secrets Of The Boys Club: What Guys Really Think The First Time They See You
by Matt Titus.
There is one thing I try to convey to all of the women I work with: most men do not approach a woman because he thinks she is moral, funny or smart. His initial intention is to sleep with her. I know this sounds harsh and it may be shocking, but it’s true. I am a man and it has never been my intention to approach woman to make a new friend. I have enough friends and none of them wear make-up or smell pretty.
I try to teach women how to think like a man while never losing sight of her femininity. In most cases, a man’s actions are (unfortunately) driven by what pleases him visually, acting out of instinct and only thinking in the moment. My basic thesis is that if a woman can be taught to understand a man’s dating behavior, she can easily control, predict and successfully maneuver through all the confusing “MANerisms” during that date. In other words, I teach women how to speak “man.”
So here’s secret #1 of the Boy’s Club: when a man walks down a crowded street he involuntary classifies all women into two categories: “would sleep with” and “wouldn’t sleep with.”
Would Sleep With: These women immediately have the upper hand with men. The trick for them is to leverage their position and find a way to sift through the losers.
Wouldn’t Sleep With: These women are basically inconsequential and ignored.
To break it down further, here is a quick list on what goes through a man’s mind when he sees a woman wearing a particular outfit:
Woman 1: Black Boots / Mini Skirt / Ultra-Tight Sweater
The Male Mind: “I have just seen the woman of my dreams. This chick is HOT. She must WANT guys to approach her. I can’t imagine being that girl’s boyfriend though—it would definitely be a challenge fighting off other men’s looks. I love the way she dresses but what is she trying to prove? That’s the type of a girl you would never bring home to Mom and Dad.”
HIS CONCLUSION: Too dangerous to have anything meaningful. She exudes sexy sneakiness.
Woman 2: Torn Jeans / Flip-flops / T-shirt or Over-sized sweatshirt
The Male Mind: “Pretty girl but a little sloppy. She certainly isn’t too concerned with the way she looks, but she is easy to approach and probably fun to party with.”
HIS CONCLUSION: Headed right down Friendship Lane.
Woman 3: Business Suit / Heels / Conservative Up-Do / Perfect Nails and Make –Up
The Male Mind: “Now this is a successful woman and I know what that means: she is probably more intelligent than I am, high maintenance and looking for a man with deep pockets. She may be able to out think me, out spend me and out maneuver me!”
HIS CONCLUSION: Maybe I could hire her to do my taxes?
Woman 4: T-shirt / Running Pants / Sneakers / Ponytail
The Male Mind: “What a cutie! This girl isn’t even trying and she is so hot. She seems to be down to earth and also into her body, without being vain. She is so natural very girl next door. Wow, did she just smile at me? I can’t let this one go. I am going to introduce myself.”
HIS CONCLUSION: I am going for it.
So does this mean that you should forget about being successful or sexy and tailor your every look to what guys want to see? Of course not. But it is useful to know what the average Joe sees when he first meets you, because it may be different than the vibe you think you’re giving off.
About the author: Matt is a matchmaker and dating expert and stars on Lifetime TV’s hit reality series “Matched in Manhattan” along with his wife Tamsen Fadal. For more of Matt and Tamsen’s advice, check out the new book, “Why Hasn’t He Called?”
Popularity: 11% [?]
February 24th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Newsflash - I know in the first 3 seconds of laying eyes on a man whether or not I want to sleep with him. I then proceed accordingly. Many many women I know act exactly the same way.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:50 am
I love the fact that men are finally opening up about their thoughts! thank god…the last 100 guys i was out with are mum!
February 25th, 2008 at 3:49 am
I think the stereotypes may fit into a certain age group where “seek/conquer” may be more prevalent..
I think as we age, the stereotypes change a great deal…
February 25th, 2008 at 11:21 am
From what the article says you suggest to just stay natural, but I don’t think that it always works like that. I have been single for quite a long time now, too long if you ask me. I have experimented with my style quite a bit and would say that men rather like girls that are styled up, but of course not as much as in your first example.
Sarah
February 25th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I think it depends on the man, and possibly where you live. I have never been approached by a man when I was dressed like Woman 4: T-shirt / Running Pants / Sneakers / Ponytail.
What seems to work for me is Woman 3: Business Suit / Heels / Conservative Up-Do / Perfect Nails and Make –Up - especially if I am wearing my glasses and have that whole teacher / librarian vibe going. Which suits me just fine, because I would rather meet someone who is into an intelligent woman.
February 26th, 2008 at 3:13 am
“Don’t judge a book by its cover”.. Personally, the looks doesn’t matter. Some women acts differently as to how they dress. You won’t know the personality of a woman, unless you talk to her.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:48 am
I think this is absolutely subjective, because not all men have that mentality. Granted, yes, all men have sex somewhere in their minds, there’s no denying that, but at least when I walk around a street or my school, I never look at someone as a “who would I sleep with.” I always look at them as a “who should I walk up to and ask out?” And it’s just as shallow as what’s detailed above, but please don’t categorize all guys into ones that are just after sex, because there are some generally interested in more.
February 27th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Well if this is actually how some men think then chickens do have more brains but somehow is so cool to know that we women are alot smarter than men. You can’t judge a woman buy her looks or the way she dress. Behind every womans facade, there is either a goddess or genius waiting to soar.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:56 am
That was an interesting article to read. Still things seem too simplified. The thing is that sometimes men and women want something forbidden, and it’s very likely that the one who preferred type number 4 yesterday will fall in love with type number 3 tomorrow.
It’s just chemistry!
Powerful and unpredictable chemistry!
February 28th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I most certainly agree with this article and it’s very helpful to those out there looking to best understand the initial opinions males form with females in the first few moments. Initial impressions are crucial, but make sure you’re being honest with yourself and how you wish to come across. As dating becomes more and more casual, with less expectation of serious relationships from the onset, physical attraction becomes more of a focal point.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:45 am
You won’t know a person unless you have time to talk with her/him. It depends on the person on how he judge the personality of a person. Not all people wearing business suit are intelligent, not all people wearing torn jeans are floppy and etc..
February 28th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
It’s certainly important how someone presents themself. That could have been the same girl all in different outfits, yet she would get a different reaction.
March 1st, 2008 at 10:31 am
This is not a common but a specific one, I cannot agree most of the men approach the women for sleep with her or sexual intentions, that is not true. we must promote the moderate relationship among men and women.
March 2nd, 2008 at 5:28 am
Interesting article.. while I do not agree 100%, I believe it has some valid points.
March 2nd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
“His initial intention is to sleep with her”. I don’t agree with this. Many men are like this, but dating is first of all a way to date right ? And many men are more concerned about finding their perfect match, their ideal soulmate, than just having sex with any girl. Just my two cents :).
March 6th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Matt,
Great blog. I agree with your general these, which is that men’s relationships are driven by their initial assessment of sexual compatibility. Unfortunately, you lost me when you went subjective with the various female stereotypes, thus exposing more about yourself than males in general. I, for one, would go straight for the business-professional woman in the business suit and heels. If I struck out there, I would back into subject number 1, black leather boots and skirt. We are all insecure fools with fears of strong woman, intelligent woman. Bring em on.
Steve
March 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Well Ya know he made some good points about the stereotypical assumptions that most “Experts” Make. But the truth behind the matter is that no person is the same even though a lot of men out there only have sex on the brain. I believe that in order to be attracted to someone there has to be something more then just a physical reaction. In other words I personally like to observe a women in a situtation and see how she reacts to friends. co-workers etc, see her personality and how she handles herself as well as how she looks. Of course this is just me im no “Expert”
March 12th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I would think alot of it has to do with the environment of the first encounter and also the type of person. A guy going to the clubs would be attracted to the girl in the miniskirt & boots. A really laid back, casual guy would be attracted to the girl in the jeans. A sporty, fitness guy would be attracted to the girl in the activewear. And a business professional would be attracted to the girl in the suit. Guys should know that the business gal could easily be the “lady in the street, freak in the bed” type, and the girl in the miniskirt & boots could be quite shy, but likes to dress fashionably.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
I don’t think I’d Kick any those Hot Girls outta Bed fer Eatin’ Crackers!!
Eliot Spitzer Approved!!
;))
March 17th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Woman #4……. Not every woman could wear this outfit and be attractive.
It’s sad to say, but this article really does sum up what a lot of men are thinking.
March 22nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
Good article. But we all know that beauty is a skin deep. If we love somebody just for their look..
March 24th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Great article. Several movies actually reflect this behavior. Somehow, we seem to keep ignoring it and act surprise or enlightened when it finally rises as a serious article.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:07 am
I believe there are a lot of environmental factors that have to be considered. I live in NYC and its normal for women to be dressed up and this becomes the standard. If I lived in Wichita, then the style of dress here wouldn’t be acceptable there, yet people find attraction in all parts of the world no matter how they culture/style works.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Wow! I have to agree with U totally! Most guys think that way! I too used to do that but until I learn to see women in proper light that I can move away from that sort of thinking! Still at times the flesh sets in and the temptation to think like before! Great Posts! Cheers!
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
face or figure?
April 6th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Here is a bombshell, a lot of my female friends are exactly the same.
You should here the stuff they say about guys and the ones they do and don’t approach.
It is no different to what you say about us guys, not that I am disagreeing with you though
I’m just saying that girls are just as bad as guys, guys just get stereotyped far more for it.
April 7th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
very funny ,try to understand eacha woman in your office,Mutual understanding and Trust is the essence of married life.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Women do think like this too. We look at a man and know quickly if we want to pursue him or not. This is a funny post though, good to know what men are thinking.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
For me personally, I always look on the physical attributes but now it does not matter anymore..I try to look for the inner beauty of my date.
May 25th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
My view is that it needs to be a combination of both. There needs to be attraction in the first place to take the next step
June 15th, 2008 at 2:25 am
Very interesting view point except I would tend to think that even though men have a certain way of thinking, they are all different and like different things in women. So to say each man likes the same type of woman and has the same type of fears and confidence is a little too vague. I am also a dating expert and have written several articles, but I do like hearing other opinions and interpretations. Thanks for sharing.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Yes, because everything is so clean cut. I have a few male friends, and while sometimes they talk about the disney princesses and which one they’d prefer, most of the time they are as concerned as I or any of our female friends about their stereotypes, one of which is that men are purely sexual beings and can only relate to the world on that level. I think you’re insulting a whole gender here, by implying that they can -only- see women as sexual. Why? Do men lack the capacity to actually think? I don’t think so.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:25 am
It’s so true. Women have it easy in the attraction game, all they do is dress up and look pretty.