The 15 Minute Dating Blog

by Andy Cowan.

As with the early days of live TV, the early days of “live women” are starting to seem like a quaint remnant from yesteryear, yet another golden age we didn’t know was golden until it faded away with our memories. I admit that most of the ladies who’ve been “communicating” with me lately have been prerecorded – as when I recently answered the phone and heard, “Hi, this is Wendy! Great news!” It would be greater news if the Wendy in my life wasn’t an automaton.

My most serious relationship with a virtual woman – My voicemail secretary. Unfortunately, I know she’s been two, three and four-timing me with other guys, and women, after I reach their voicemail and hear her busily answering their phones while busy not answering mine. But at least she sounds as detached with them as she does with me. (I was starting to take it personally.)

When I check in for my messages, and “You have…” resonates with a distinctively bored tenor, I know in my gut she’s about to report, “No new messages.” (Why can’t they program some empathy into “no new messages”?) After relaying “one new message,” she sounds equally blasé. (I get one measly e-mail about Viagra and my AOL “You’ve got mail” man sounds thrilled.) But… in the rare cases when “You have! …” opens with a tantalizing lift to her voice, I learn once again that she’s not nearly as prone to jealousy as I am, by virtue of her pre-programmed excitement over at least two non-virtual people wanting to talk to me. Apparently, even she can’t believe it. I don’t get a slew of calls, so it’s tough getting even the prerecorded women in my life excited. Still, whenever I need her, she’s there for me. And all she demands in return is a big enough nest egg to cover the phone bill. Talk about low maintenance.

But considering how she gets around, who says I have to remain faithful to her? Maybe I need more attention from the other prerecorded women in my life.

“Toll-free directory assistance. Please say the name of the listing you want.”

You. I love your voice. I know it may sound crazy, but I think you could really get me.

“Sorry, I didn’t get that. You can leave out extra information, such as department or location. Please say just the name of the listing you want.”

The location to your heart.

“… I’m sorry, I’m not finding a match…”

How can she be so quick to judge? … Oh well, I can always expect a nice…

“Welcome to Sears. What type of service would you like?”

A date.

“Okay. Let me know what you’d like to do. You can make, change or cancel an appointment…”

I’d like an appointment. With you.

“Okay. You’d like to make an appointment for repair service. Right?”

Yeah, I need you to repair my social life.

“Please say yes or no. You want to make a repair appointment, right?”

Okay, okay. Yes.

“What’s the product that needs service? For example, say ‘refrigerator’ or ‘furnace’ ” …

Furnace. My pilot needs turning on.

“To connect you to the right Sears specialist, I need you to tell me what type of service you’d like.”

You’re the specialist. Catch my drift?

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

We’re not exactly clicking here.

I think I’ll hop into the car and let my GPS “woman” direct me to the proverbial meat market where, unlike actual women, the chipper prerecorded one will do her utmost to woo me over to the guava melons.

As for other messages that may bear fruit… Talk to you later, voicemail lady!

About the author: Andy is a writer, producer and performer, whose credits include Cheers, Seinfeld and 3rd Rock From the Sun. Profiled in Who’s Who in America, he earned his Masters Degree in Broadcasting from Boston University and began his broadcasting career in radio and TV news in Pennsylvania.

Here is the link to Andy’s site.

Popularity: 2% [?]

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 am and is filed under Strange Dating Ideas, Humorous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.