Happily Single – It’s Not a Myth
by Brenda.
A few months ago I left a comment here on a post entitled “Are You Permanently Celibate” and have been asked to expand on my thoughts.
Basically the post was about a women who had her name on a dating site and in her profile stated that she was permanently celibate. The post itself didn’t compel me to leave a comment, it was everyone’s comments that got me a little hot and bothered. Most of them were about how this woman was a tease, had problems, didn’t like men, was lying to herself, etc. I disagreed completely. She seemed to understand herself well and was very upfront about what she wanted, which struck me as being very honest. Chances are she only got responses from men who felt much the same way she did about dating…more power to her I say.
Unlike this woman I haven’t made some declaration to be permanently celibate, but I do consider myself to be happily single. As I said in my comments to the original post, “There’s a myth out there that women or men who are happily single are not open enough, hate the opposite sex, need therapy or are just lying.” The reality is, being in a relationship or being married does not automatically mean that you’ll be happy. It also doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely. I was married for 10 years and have been single for 14, and during both times experienced feelings of loneliness, along with many other feelings, both positive and negative.
I’m not saying you should avoid the possibility of finding someone if that’s really what you want – you just shouldn’t put your life on hold because you’re single. And you shouldn’t look to the “relationship” as some sort of emotional utopia, if you’re doing that chances are you’re not emotionally ready to be in a relationship anyway.
It’s important to really understand your motives and to really understand yourself. For me, I do enjoy the company of men but I know I don’t want to live with one again. It may be good for some people but I know it’s just not right for me. What’s really important here is that I’ve made this decision solely on what I want. It’s not based on what other people think is right for me. It’s not a reaction to a bad relationship. It’s a choice based on an understanding of who I am and what I want from life.
I have dated during the past 14 years, and will continue to if the opportunity presents itself, but I date to meet people, have an enjoyable evening and partake in good conversation. I don’t do it as some sort of interview process for a new husband. A few times I’ve dated guys who were ultimately looking for a wife, and those dates were a drag. I felt like I was on some weird dating show where everything was about the end result and no one was having fun in the moment. There’s nothing worse than someone looking at you and wanting you to be their other half. Good grief, make yourself a whole person first, I can’t complete you – only you can do that. And why would I want to be involved with half a person anyway?
Chances are if you’re not happy now as a single person, you won’t be happy in a relationship either. Learn to enjoy your own company, do things that make you happy and don’t put things on hold until you can do them with a significant other. You deserve better than that.
So the next time you hear someone say that they are happily single don’t assume that they’re lying, afraid to take a chance, or recovering from a bad break-up. It’s more likely that they are living the life they want on their terms, and quite happy about it.
About the author:
Brenda is a Volunteer Manager for a non-profit organization and happily lives alone in Ontario, Canada. She has a very close family and enjoys spending time with them. Her interests are varied and include politics, art, archeology and writing. She is an active volunteer in her community and also spends time raising awareness for various causes. In her spare time she shares her opinions about life and the world on her blog at http://drowseymonkey.blogspot.com where her motto is, “Life’s weird, so you better have a sense of humour.”
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December 6th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I have had the good fortune to meet and become friends with Brenda online through our blogs. She is a funny, articulate, intelligent woman who’s blog I enjoy reading on a daily basis! Brenda ia living proof that having a mate is not a requirement for being a happy, fulfilled, complete person! It’s a matter of personal preference - to each his or her own! Great article!!!
~Shawn
December 6th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
i was about to post a related article in my blog but in a different context… i love ur blog. it’s personal and inspirational
December 6th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
EXCELLENT! I love every word of this. I have to admit, I have been both happily and unhappily single in my life but have come to realize that the happy part and the single part have nothing to do with each other, as this wise woman has pointed out! This is must reading for singles so ya just know I am gonna link to it!
December 7th, 2007 at 1:53 am
This post makes more sense than I’ve heard in a long time.
Key here, is that a mate does not make a person, nor make them happy. Take two happy single people. If they hit it off, there’s a good chance. When someone needs another to depend on for self worth and fulfillment, it really spells disaster.
A woman not looking for a sexual realationship is just that. Why would anyone want to change it? If that’s what she comfortable with, I say that’s fine!
December 7th, 2007 at 2:31 am
It is so true, if you aren’t happy with yourself in single mode, how can you be happy in a relationship. Great post. I can see why Billy presented you the Love award.
December 7th, 2007 at 6:35 am
Olga - thanks…that is such a sweet thing to say!
Jessie - thank you!
Barbara - you’re right happy, single, has nothing to do with each other. But I’m not sure about me being wise! But thanks!
Eric - wise words…thanks.
Barbara - thanks…not sure who Billy is but…thanks, lol.
December 8th, 2007 at 3:56 am
I like the post but wonder if the “happily single” position amounts to a defence mechanism….a defence to ward off undesirable suitors…
December 8th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
I’m not sure how being happy with yourself wards off undesirable suitors…I don’t think I understand what that means. I’d certainly be up for a desirable suitor…if by that you mean date…but if by suitor you mean possible husband…NOPE.
December 11th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
maybe you just haven’t been approached by the right guy??
December 12th, 2007 at 2:28 am
Maybe…but I guess my point is that that’s okay. I’m not going to put my life on hold until that right guy comes along. I know a few people who seem to do that and I don’t quite understand that way of thinking.
The reality is there are a lot of people who have never, and will never, meet that right person…and my point is that that’s okay. You can still enjoy life.
I know a lot of people disagree with me…but that’s okay too.
December 16th, 2007 at 4:17 am
I have a good friend from college who I honestly believe will never end up dating/living with/marrying anybody. She’s very much the celibate type. I don’t think that people who know her in real life would want to change that about her. She’s happy, she’s herself, she’s who she is.
People online who don’t know her might have an easy time throwing around accusations, insinuations, or asking her whether she hasn’t met the right guy…the difficulty of such venues is that the people haven’t interacted with the person in question and can only work of preconceptions. I don’t know if people who say they’re happily single are lying or not–at least not until I’ve developed a long relationship with them, as I did with her.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:32 pm
i think you should open your mind about relationship. you just not yet found your soulmate, just search and search again. and you will find a good one, trust me
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:50 am
Thanks Mrs - It sounds like your friend is enjoying her life, which is what’s important.
Farid - Well…I don’t believe in soul mates, maybe when I was a kid, but not now. I like my life the way it is and it would be a lot of work and change if I had to rearrange my life now to include someone else. It’s not out of the question…but it would be a huge life change and one I’m not sure I’m really interested in.
January 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
EXCELLENT! I love every word of this. I have to admit, I have been both happily and unhappily single in my life but have come to realize that the happy part and the single part have nothing to do with each other, as this wise woman has pointed out! This is must reading for singles so ya just know I am gonna link to it!
January 16th, 2008 at 3:21 am
I like your words “Chances are if you’re not happy now as a single person, you won’t be happy in a relationship either”. Anyhow, we should be happy! Life is short!
January 16th, 2008 at 3:47 am
I believe you can be happy while single and lonely even in a relationship. Our emotions fluctuate; even if you don’t feel you are entitled to them your human so you have them. I agree that people should not assume that someone is lying about being happily single. I have met many people who are miserable in relationships and sometimes abused. Do we say to these people “Hey it is better than being single” I think not.
Thanks for an interesting post. Thanks to all who commented as well for sharing your thoughts.
January 19th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Thanks wealthy! What you said is so true…the happy and the single have nothing to do with each other.
lvbag - thanks! And yes…you’re so right!
Thanks chic! Well said!
January 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
It’s interesting the comments that indicate an unwillingness to let people decide to be single. There is so much pressure to be part of a couple and to wonder what is wrong with someone who is single.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Amen to that. I don’t know if it ever happened to you that somebody who knows you (not as a friend, e.g. a co-worker etc.) asked you, if you are gay? Well, in your case if you are lesbian?
I find it funny what kind of assumptions people make about the life of other people based on their own understanding of what is normal and things like that.
I am busy and not looking for a partner, it is simply somewhere at the lower end of my “things in life to-do list”. It’s not the question if I want to, its just a matter of priority. Yeah, I want to, but not that badly that I sacrifice or not do other things I have on that same list, just a bit higher up.
It is awfully hard to get in a relationship, if you are not actively pursuing it and simply don’t spend any time on. I am not the guy who likes just messing around and do one-night stands. Did that, done that, makes me feel bad and thus defeats the purpose of the exercise.
I don’t say that I will never be in a relationship again or never get married ever(never was, thanks god). If it happens, because it is the right time, the right attitude, the right person and me actually not having something else with higher priority to take care of.. heck, why not. I am not afraid of it.
p.s. no, that other person would have to be a female, because I happen to be hetero-sexual. Sorry guys, stop hoping hehe.
February 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
why is she hiding behind that doll toy?
February 15th, 2008 at 10:40 am
nice blog, i used to read your unique post and articles here.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
happytoo - I’ve never felt pressure to be in a couple…no one I know has ever made me feel that way, but I know it can happen.
carsten - exactly! well said.
quintal - lol, not hiding…it’s just my avitar. Like many people who have blogs I keep any identifiable information about myself private. The doll has to do with my blog…if you dropped by you’d get it.
ear plugs - ummm…this is my one & only post here…but thanks!
February 15th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Excellent article DrowseyMonkey.
As you say similar ideas to what I wrote aboutin my Valentine’s Day article -
http://www.arvinddevalia.com/blog/2008/02/14/valentines-day-4-%e2%80%93-how-to-be-single-and-happy/
As you say, happiness has to come from within and one must rely on the other person in a relationship for your happiness.
February 16th, 2008 at 2:12 am
So true Arvind!
And thanks for the link to your post…great stuff!