Still Looking At This Late Date: My Online Dating Experiences
by Ed Attanasio.
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I was very skeptical about entering the world of online dating when I initially signed up with match.com.
As a 48-year-old single male with more issues than Reader’s Digest, my expectations were understandably low to start with. I’ve never been married, I don’t have any kids and my best friend is my shrink. I decided early on that I would probably be satisfied having a relationship with someone who simply had fewer problems than I did. |
I had heard both horror stories as well as wondrous tales about the online dating experience, some undoubtedly as much fiction as truth, and all of them left me extremely tentative about entering the fray. One woman I know went on 26 online dates before meeting a suitable mate, whom she eventually married. I admired her thoroughness and determination. When I went to purchase a new car, I only looked at about five vehicles before making a decision. This gal kicked more emotional tires than I can count on all my appendages combined, which means she’s either a.) a complete control freak, b.) very high maintenance. c.) desperate as hell.
I guess what I felt might make me so potentially easy to match up with someone was the simple fact that after so many years of being either lonely or in dysfunctional relationships, I was quite frankly numb. A woman with a pulse who had the ability to talk in complete sentences would do just fine. My expectations were understandably quite low.
To get set up, I put a fairly honest and rather simple description of myself on match.com along with a recent photo. I hate it when people put misleading pictures of themselves online. If they say they’re 40 years old and the picture shows them standing in front of a Chevy Vega wearing a peace sign necklace and bell bottoms, you can pretty much tell that the photo is about a current as an old copy of the Magna Carta.
I immediately got responses to my profile and a few stood out right away. One woman sounded really nice and her picture was incredible. A really hot looking 30-something blonde with a killer body in a little bikini, she immediately caught my eye.
Two weeks later, after a series of e-mails back and forth, we met at a restaurant on Union Street in San Francisco. When I got there, I had problems finding the place. She was blocking it, along with the sun. The last bikini this gal wore had to have been the size of the Bikini Islands. I admit, I’m no svelte athlete myself, but the upper sections of this individual’s arms were bigger than my legs. I am so grateful that the place where we met was a buffet; otherwise I would have had to take out a small business loan to cover the bill.
I’m not someone who is usually too hung up on looks, but to be deceived to this degree didn’t sit too well with me. I could see she had a pretty face, and I’m assuming that the photo she had on match.com was at one time in the distant past actually her. But, since then she had gorged her way into being the behemoth that sat right in front of me - well, actually all around me. Discouraged and feeling defrauded, I bailed out halfway through the tiramisu - it was all-you can-eat and I could tell she was just getting started.
Undaunted, I went home and got back on the computer to see if there were any honest people out there who wanted a guy they wouldn’t be tempted to eat.
The next woman I started talking to was a school teacher from Berkeley. We met for coffee on a Sunday morning in a little cafe down on Telegraph. She was gorgeous, intelligent, vibrant, compelling, funny and….extremely opinionated. Listening to her was like watching CNN, the O’Reilly Report, MSN, 60 Minutes, Crossfire and the 10:00 News simultaneously on crystal meth.
Within minutes, I knew all of her feelings on Bin Laden, Bush, Rice, Cheney, Hillary, Robertson, Gore (both Al and Tipper) abortion, illiteracy, baby seals, childhood diabetes, fossil fuels, the greenhouse effect, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Bosnia and some other countries I’d never heard of.
When she wasn’t hugging trees, creating colorful protest signage or pelting right wingers with rotten, but always organic fruit, this woman was angry at everything she felt was wrong with the world. At first, I thought it was inspiring. Wow, here’s someone with a set of beliefs that she’s not afraid to live by.
| But, eventually I found out that one of the main items on this gal’s list of diatribes was the entire male race. She wasn’t just angry at the wrong things in the world, she was mad at the world in its entirety, at the human race in general, and men in particular.
Eventually she began to focus on all of the many things that are wrong with me and started a crusade against them. Needless to say, I bailed even more quickly from her than I did from Jabba the Hut. |
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Returning back to my Compaq Presario like a puppy that had just been chastised for peeing on the carpet, I slowly but reluctantly got back into the online dating game. I changed over to another web site, eharmony.com, figuring I’d have better luck. But, what scared me was that I started to see a lot of the same photos and profiles that I had seen on match.com.
I began to realize that there are people out there who are addicted to online dating. They use it like a shopaholic uses malls or a junkie uses smack. It’s a seductive vehicle, I must admit. Where else can you shop for potential mates and bid on them like baseball cards on e-bay? Where else can you meet so many different people in such a short time and in one location? When you go to the Humane Society to look for a pet, they only have a couple dozen cats and dogs there, maybe 40 at the very most. But, the selection on a popular dating site can provide you with hundreds, even thousands of viable choices.
So, I continued my search with a vengeance and a new-found commitment. I figured hey - maybe that woman who dated 26 guys had it right - play the field and have some fun and if you never find Mrs. Right, so be it. Play the human love lotto and let the chips fall where they may. Life isn’t fair, in fact, it specializes in being unfair. But, I thought, what the heck, I won’t invest too much into the process so how badly can I get hurt?
I’m happy to report that ever since I took that attitude things have been great. I’m not quite at 26 dates yet. I think I’ve met about 11 women online. But, instead of looking at it like a do-or-die situation, I treat each experience like a fun new adventure. That way I’m totally at ease, there are zero expectations and consequently no disappointments.
I used to think online dating was a quagmire of false hopes and a respite from our shallow lives. But, now I know that’s exactly what it is and consequently the whole thing is just a lot more fun.
I hope Chewbacca has lost a few pounds, because she seemed nice enough, between mouthfuls. And I hope Ms. Berkeley has mellowed a bit. Maybe I’ll meet up with one or both of them again on another dating site in the not-too-distant future and we can look back at the entire mess and have a good laugh. But, one thing I’m sure of is that this time around it will be better, because I’ve put the whole online dating thing in perspective. I’m happy with it and content with myself — for the first time in a long, long time.
About the author: Ed is a 48-year old former standup comic, freelance writer/journalist who likes to blow bubbles and kiss his dogs. Some people have serious problems with that, but does he care? He enjoys his life living in San Francisco and appreciates what he has — a fabulous fiancee, two great mutts, a dedicated shrink and really good prescription medication.
For more of his insane rantings, visit his blog, “Life on the Edge” at: www.edattanasio.blogspot.com
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August 5th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Haha! Great post!
I’ve done the online dating thing many, many times, and I still haven’t found Mr. Right. It gets very frustrating. I’ve made a few good friends along the way, and I’ve even found a few relationships. Unfortunately, the relationships didn’t last. So hey - any single guys out there? Check out my blog and drop me a line.
And Ed, looks like you did pretty well. I see that you’ve got a fiancee!
August 6th, 2007 at 12:46 am
this cracked me up! I’ve always been in a relationship, but I think online dating would be fun - even if for nothing else besides the laughs!
August 6th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Hahahahah!!! “…more issues than Reader’s Digest” - can I have your permission to use that line as the headline in a singles ad? Hilarious!
August 6th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Excellent post! Entertaining to the max and uhh..unentertaining to the min? Apologies for the lameness of that comment, but the closer it gets to 5pm the closer my brain gets to seriously malfunctioning.
I wish you luck Ed on your online dating adventure!
August 7th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
LoL, thank you. Now I have good mood
August 7th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
What a funny story! What makes it even more hilarious is that it sounds 100% true. Is the fat chick still available? I love to chase the big ones! I have now read all three of your postings and you are by far the BEST and FUNNIEST writer on this blog. Keep them coming, man.
August 7th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Haha - always look at the bright side of life!
Yeah, online dating can be fun. Probably you got many sketch ideas after a couple of dates that went pretty comic. 
You can use them in your work! 
August 7th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
This is so very, very funny. You have hit the whole online dating thing right on the head. So many people use more than one web site and many of them post photos of themselves that are so old. Do they think we won’t notice it when we see them? The whole thing is completely ludicrous and you pegged it. Great piece. I read it twice laughing harder each time.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
The school teacher from Berkeley sounds hilarious. I wonder why she finds it hard to get a date!
August 8th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
This made my day a little better. Thanks!
August 9th, 2007 at 1:06 am
Hahaha! Online dating is nice, but i have never imagined it to be that fun. Great post!
August 9th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Good god! Scary stuff, but great laughs.
And, really, how does your fiancee feel about your online dating?
August 10th, 2007 at 12:06 am
Good question, Ray. I met my fiancee after all this stuff. We were introduced by a mutual friend. Online dating can be fun, but nothing beats a good referral!
August 10th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
This made me laugh my ass off. You funny man!!
August 12th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I have had some experiences like this myself in the online dating world. Why do so many people feature old photos on their descriptions or lie about how they look? I always find this amazing. Who are they fooling? Don’t they realize that when you meet them, you’ll feel deceived and cheated? If someone can’t be honest in their profile, how cna they be trusted in any type of relationship?
August 12th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. Hats off to you, Ed!
August 13th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
What a great article. I have had similar experiences, so I can totally relate. Sounds like you have a great relationship now, so that’s cool.
August 15th, 2007 at 1:40 am
This article reminds me of some of the pretenders that I’ve encountered out on the front lines of the dating world. Some people should just be alone. I don’t agree with the fable that there is someone for everyone, a “soulmate” type of thing. Some folks are just miserable and can’t get along with the opposite sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if that tree hugger from Bezerkley is a lesbo by now. She obviously hates men. As for Ms. Chubster, she obviously loves food more than she loves guys.
August 16th, 2007 at 1:30 am
You write a very funny and quite pleasing article, but behind the laughter I sense some pain. Why so much pain? Buddha says that we make joke when we should really be crying. Funny man seems very, very sad. Would you like to talk about it?
August 17th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Funny posting. Glad to read you found a fiancee. When’s the wedding? Online dating can be fun, but it can also be a real pain in the rear. Too many wannabes, shouldabeens and oncewas’s out there in the cyber dating scene.
August 18th, 2007 at 5:34 am
I red dis ting here an I likked it. A lott. A hole lot.
August 18th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
hehe. The online dating world has so many people that you are bound to find the right one if your persistent enough.
August 19th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Wow! Very good experience in online dating. Thanks for your sharing. I am really grateful that you shared this with me without me going to try all one by one.
August 19th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
I have found some real doozies myself online. They pretend to me what they think you want them to be, and then they eventually show their true selves and it’s usually ugly. Nice posting. VERY funny. I love the part about the tree-hugging liberal…they’re so many of them out there just like that.
August 21st, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Some of the absolutely funniest stuff I’ve ever read about the online dating scene. The part about the fat chick is priceless. I love the part when you talk about her possibly eating YOU. Some people have had great success with online dating, but I am not one of them, so I can relate!
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:41 am
Sounds like you had your hands full. I’m glad to hear you finally settled down. I truly believe that many people abuse the online dating system. They use the computer as a crutch.
August 25th, 2007 at 3:00 am
It’s all good. Us bears don’t have these problems because we don’t lie about our profiles the way straight people do.
August 27th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I too am a bear, and I agree with Billy. Heterosexuals could learn a lot from us over here on the gay front. We don’t online date, we just go out and meet guys in person. It’s so much more effective and we don’t encounter the problems you’ve outlined here. Plus, we’re honest about who we are and where we’re going with a relationship. Great article. Very well-written and quite funny.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Thanks Joe. I am surprised and intrigued that I attracted a couple of bears to my posting. I feel pretty stupid to admit that I didn’t even know what a bear was until just recently. You’d think that I would have more of a clue, especially since I live in San Francisco, which is definitely one of the big bear cities. I value your feedback, believe me. It’s good to get the gay perspective on things. We can learn a lot from other groups and what they’re experiencing out there in the world of dating.
September 7th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Old deans never die; they just lose their faculties.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:43 am
TB-L in the house. I dig wot yo sayin’ bro/player. You is atwy, no wot I beee sayin’?
Is yo a gangster of love, man? “cause yo hit this one out of the ballpark, yo???!!!
October 15th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
I have read a lot of these posts, and this is by far the most funny! Keep it rollin’ and stay all the way live! And what does your comment have to do with anything, Ms. Bond? I don’t get it.
January 14th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
This is hilarious! Bravo Author, Bravo!
January 16th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I like the part about the Berkeley tree hugger. These liberals just make me laugh and laugh! They care so much. Don’t they realize that the world is going to end in 2012?
February 10th, 2008 at 12:39 am
you stereotype mercilessly and come off like an opinionate jerk yourself. I can see why these women wouldn’t want you.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:00 am
Josephine:
This article is a joke. It’s humor, irony, comedy. Stereotyping is a form of satire. And if you read the article carefully, you would see that I didn’t want the women — not the other way around.
February 27th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Ed- definitely a funny article. I think Josephine here feels a bit raw over some guys who might actually have been jerks.
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Hey Josephine. You sound like an opinionated jerk yourself. This is a very funny, witty and on-the-money article. You missed the point completely and came off like one of the bimbos Ed is writing about. You are the reason many guys choose NOT to get into relationships. I would rather be celibate than have to deal with the likes of you, you insipid, ignorant cow!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:05 am
I would bet you’re hideous looking Josephine.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I love this and your right on track with you assumptions of on line dating. I myself have already been through this and now on my return flight back to normalcy. I am a retired Firefighter who has been retired and divorced for ten years. I have decided to recluse myself to the singles lane and enjoy life the best I can.
Take my advice and stop worrying and enjoy yourself. I found “yourself” is your best friend.
Ken
June 16th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Josephine, you’re a miserable old woman with no friends and no future. The only guys who would date you are already dead.