The 15 Minute Dating Blog

by Dan Burke.

Let me just say this first: I am no authority on the so-called “gold diggers”. In other words, I have been fortunate so far not to date anyone who is interested in me solely for my money, nor had I dated anyone who took off with what little money I had. Yet I was able to come up with this extensive list rather effortlessly. How did I come up with this list so easily, you ask? It is probably because of fear of losing the money I need to eat, pay my rent, and pay my student loans. It also could be because I am so sick of hearing about these “celebutants” whose every move is thrown into the faces of Americans whether they want to hear about it or not. Either way, I surprised myself when I was able to come up with not 10, not 20, but a whopping fifty indications.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. But remember this: You’ll find that I constantly refer to the “Gold Digger” as a “her” many times in this list. I want to clarify that I do not believe that it is only women who lust after men for money. I am well aware that it happens the other way around too, with poor men marrying and ultimately ripping off rich women. In fact, Charles Dickens’ “Great Expectations”, the classic movie “Midnight Cowboy”, and poor schmucks such as David Gest (who married Liza Minelli for five magical minutes) and Kevin Federline (maybe you heard about who he married) have illustrated this point very well. I referred to the Gold Digger-type as “her” solely through my point of view. In other words, if I were to date a Gold Digger, that Gold Digger would unquestionably be a “her”.

I just thought I’d get that disclaimer out of the way. So with that said, (insert drum roll here) here are the 50 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Gold Digger:

1. If the walls to her room are covered with provocative posters of Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, and Alan Greenspan.

2. If, while listening to the Barenaked Ladies song “If I Had $1,000,000″ while driving, she follows every line in the song with the words, “You better” or “Damn right”.

3. If she wears Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes . . . and she borrowed your credit card to pay for them.

4. If she met you at a club, and her pick up line was, “Didn’t you order me by mail?”

5. If she insists that two pair beats three of a kind while playing poker, if she knows how to play poker (sorry again, ladies).

6. If she ever had a baby with Busta.

7. If she shows no concern about miles per gallon when picking out a car to buy.

8. If she ends every meal by saying “I forgot my wallet. Forgive me?” while making a sad puppy face.

9. If she has ever brought a vacuum cleaner to an ATM.

10. If she has listened to Neil Young sing, “I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold, and I’m getting old” and has ever seriously asked you “Do you have his number?”

11. If she changes her name to Tania and tries to rob a bank.

12. If she thinks O.J. did it and still obsessively watches all three Naked Gun movies.

13. If she has ever seen a woman on Jeopardy and wondered out loud, “Why doesn’t she date Alex Trebek if she needs money?”

14. If she expresses disappointment on why there wasn’t a part two episode of “Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire?”.

15. If she has ever wondered why it takes so long for any money to grow on the trees near your house.

16. If you ever find her reading the book “Rewriting Your Future Father-In-Law’s Will For Dummies”.

17. If she has ever said, “Who needs groceries anyway? I just throw them up after I eat them.”

18. If she has ever put her virginity up for auction on eBay (provided she still has it).

19. If any birthday gift you buy for her is sooooo fifteen minutes ago.

20. If she doesn’t care about Blue Ray Discs or DVD’s, just as long as you’re buying them.

21. If she has ever founded a nonprofit organization called “Habitat for Me”.

22. If she finds you paying your credit card bills, and she whispers in your ear, “Just tell them you’re dead, honey.”

23. If you have to buy an extra lock for your apartment door and purposefully don’t give her the key to that lock.

24. If she can recognize the smell of money.

25. If she has ever rolled her own cigarettes using a $100 bill as paper.

26. If her favorite video game is “Run Winona Run”.

27. If her favorite Disney character is Scrooge McDuck, and she has ever gotten sexually aroused after seeing Scrooge swimming through his pool of money.

28. If she only has eight fingers, following an unsuccessful attempt to steal grillz out of Pall Wall’s mouth.

If you’re dealing with a man with golden teeth who obviously isn’t working a job where he could afford that kind of teeth modifications then you should be careful; obviously, diamond tooth caps should also be considered an odd sign.

29. If she has ever wanted to get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off her humps in hopes that you’ll buy her all these ices, Dolce and Gabbana, Fendi and NaDonna.

30. If she lives in Boston and still happens to be in love with Johnny Damon.

31. If instead of a trip to France for vacation, she prefers to stay at the Neverland Ranch.

32. If after a long day out with her girlfriends, she comes home and removes the dollar bills from her underwear before taking off her jacket.

33. If you ask her, “How many gold diggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”, then she screws in a light bulb and asks for a tip.

34. If she asks to borrow money, you ask her how much and she replies, “Your 401K”.

35. If she has a bumper sticker on her car that says “Honk If You’re Rich”, and then runs with open arms to the next person she cuts off in traffic.

36. If she has ever referred to your wallet as “My Precious”.

37. If you are having sex with her, and instead of saying your name, she screams out, “Oh, Gordon Gekko”.

38. If you two go to a club, and she thinks a cover charge means that you will cover her charge.

39. If her list of ex-boyfriends includes Corey Feldman, M.C. Hammer and Dustin Diamond.

40. If she has collections of wallets from each of her ex-boyfriends.

41. If, upon hearing about Mike Tyson’s recent bankrupcy suit, she replies, “Ewww . . .”.

42. If her nickname for you is “Blank Check”.

43. If she has ever entered a crowded room at a party and shouted, “Trimspa Baby!”

44. If her iPod only has “Money” by the OJays, “Money” by Pink Floyd, any songs by Paris Hilton, and “cha-ching” sound effects repeated over and over.

45. If she has watched Season Three of “The Simple Life” and has ever felt bad for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie because as interns, they actually had to work.

46. If she has tried to buy a muffler from Midas, and then run out of the store crying in disappointment.

47. If she ever tried to sue Dairy Queen because she claimed that their ice cream was too cold.

48. If her ultimate sexual fantasy involves her playing the part of your landlord.

49. If she converted to Christianity only because she realized one of the Three Kings gave Jesus gold when he was born.

50. If the last time you’ve seen her is last week when she packed a suitcase with some dollar bills hanging out, and you haven’t been able to find your credit card ever since. Not only that but your recent credit card statements has payments on it made by Shaniqua Johannasburg, Sasha Liebowitz, Maria Fernandez, Izinami Yamaguchi, Amelia McGilicutty, and Rufus Smith. All of these names explain why one of her hobbies included sitting down at the dinner table and going through the book, “Naming Your Baby”.

About the author: Dan is a recent graduate of Colby College who currently resides in Portland, Maine. He currently works for two radio stations, has a side DJ business, and is strongly considering going for a Masters degree in Broadcast Journalism. He loves to write, and has written numerous articles for his college’s newspaper, the Colby Echo, and hosts a weekly hard rock music show, “Raisin’ Hell On Mayflower Hill” on his college’s radio station, WMHB. As of April 2007, that show can be heard every Saturday night at 6 P.M. EST on www.wmhb.org. In his spare time, Dan enjoys reading all sorts of books, swimming, running, watching obscure and somewhat strange movies, listening to all sorts of music, and hanging out with friends. Because his love life is currently D.O.A. and can easily be compared to the Queen song “Somebody To Love”, Dan has plenty to write about on this website.

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