Take Warning! 6 Red Flags of Emotional Unavailability
by Rebecca “Ruji” Chapnik.
You try to ignore it, but the queasy feeling won’t disappear. Is it all in my head? you wonder. Blaming yourself for being insecure, you sweep your worries under the futon.
Three months later, you’re purging the debris of a hit-and-run relationship, wishing you could rewind and stop at the instant you sensed you were getting the short end of the proverbial stick.
Regret, the ugly aftermath of romantic failure, can be avoided if you exercise keen awareness from the start. Fortunately for the uneducated masses, there are people like myself who take joy in sharing their negative experiences! So, to the point of this article-I now present six red flags of dating culled from my own life and the tearful accounts of friends.
The Scenario:
You’re braced before the keyboard, staring intently at the chat window. He said, “BRB,” over half an hour ago, and you don’t want to send another IM asking if he’s back. Reading over the few lines exchanged with him before his (supposed) indefinite departure from cyberspace, you notice a pattern:
You (5:00): How are you?
Him (5:05): I’m all right.
You (5:05): What are you up to?
Him (5:10): Watching Law and Order.
You (5:10): Cool. I’m thinking of going to get pizza. Are you hungry?
Him (5:17): I just ate.
He must be really into this “Law and Order” episode, or else he’s merely humoring you with his insipid responses.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
If you can’t engage him in a conversation online, he’s probably not dying to chat with you in real life. No matter how busy (or “busy”) he is, even if he has a thesis paper due the next day, he has time to ask how you’re doing.
And let’s face it-”I just ate,” unless followed by, “but let’s get together another time,” is often the courtship code for: “I don’t want to see you, not now, not ever.”
If you absolutely need the closure, ask him what his deal is, but do not-under any circumstances-waste time overanalyzing your crush’s apathetic manner; 99% of the time, it is exactly what it seems. (Read Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You for more information.)
The Scenario:
Once again, you’re hiding from your boss in the workplace restroom so you can take her frantic call about the latest panic attack she’s had. Whether it’s her eating disorder, her abusive father, her existential crisis, her allergies, her nighttime insomnia, or her daytime narcolepsy, the common denominator of all your conversations is that they focus on her problems.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Having problems should not be a deal-breaker per se. When your entire relationship revolves around the other person’s problems, however, that is a problem.
You can identify the wounded puppy type early on by paying close attention to your conversations. When you start to tell her how your day sucked, does she immediately jump in with an account of her own sucky day? Are your discussions dialogues or monologues? Does she ask you questions? Remember: The more resources she devotes to herself, the less she has left for you.
The Scenario:
“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” “You’re more important to me than anything else.” “I’ve never felt this close to anyone before.”
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Those lines may be de facto by the time your 5-year anniversary rolls around, but if you’re hearing them from someone you’ve known for two weeks, take a step back! No matter how sincere the speaker, it’s extremely unlikely that one can decide such things with any degree of certainty after a short amount of time.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love posits that three components are necessary for relationship success: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion alone can sometimes create a false sense of intimacy-a phenomenon colloquially known as “puppy love.”
Don’t be shocked when the person who called you “The One” just yesterday is suddenly swooning over someone new. The same impulsivity that leads someone to make headlong, grandiose declarations of love can easily result in a hurried exit. That said, refrain from purchasing that ticket to the Bahamas until you know your starry-eyed travel partner plans to stick around.
The Scenario:
You haven’t met any of his friends or family after a month. There’s no question as to whether they exist: you’ve seen the chats and heard the phone calls. He never invites you to go out with him unless it’s just the two of you, and he only invites people over when you’re not there.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
His behavior is probably due to one or more of the following:
a) He’s embarrassed of you.
b) He’s embarrassed of them.
c) He’s a different person around them (and, yes, this includes the possibility that he’s cheating on you).
d) He doesn’t think you’d get along with them.
e) He’s the jealous type and wants to keep you to himself.
If your partner acts strangely about introducing you to his friends and family, find out why. In the best of scenarios, he simply wants to avoid conflict: maybe he fears your ethnicity won’t go over so well with his neo-fascist parents, or perhaps he’d rather not face his buddies’ reactions to your hirsutism.
When there’s no sensible reason for his behavior, consider that he may not be ready for a full-time relationship. In this case, he doesn’t care-or is even afraid-to integrate you into his life. He keeps you at a low priority, to be taken out and played with when it suits him. Don’t get too serious with him; healthy couples don’t exist in quarantine.
The Scenario:
She’s only 23, and she’s been in twenty-no, twenty-one relationships! You’re #22. Thrilling, right? (Hey, at least the number doesn’t exceed her age.)
She soothes your wounded ego with a rehearsed list of logical explanations for her ongoing monogamy spree, naturally concluding with the slogan, “But I’ve changed.” By now, she surely must have learned enough from her mistakes to be a first-rate girlfriend.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Having a long string of lovers usually has more to do with someone’s personality than with external factors. Even if every one of her exes was a raging tyrant or a lethargic bum, you have to ask yourself why she has repeatedly gotten into toxic relationships.
Serial dating may result from low self-esteem and an insatiable hunger for validation, perhaps with an ounce of commitment-phobia thrown into the formula. If you’re looking for more than a short-term rendezvous, reconsider who you’re getting involved with.
The Scenario:
You happen across his profile while browsing for other queer men in your city. He seems perfect for you: red-headed, artistically inclined, even more well-versed than yourself in the theories of Foucault.
The relationship starts out with a bang (literally), and soon he admits that you’re the first man he’s ever been with. In fact, he’s only recently entertained the possibility of bisexuality. He’s hoping that your naked body in his bed will help him pinpoint his placement on the Kinsey scale once and for all.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Experimentation is only a red flag if you’re looking for a committed relationship. You can’t count on future wedding (or civil union) chimes when your date isn’t even sure whether to put your gender on the radar screen.
People do change their minds, and perhaps Mr. Ex-Straight Guy has a genuine interest in members of his own sex. But is it curiosity or strong attraction? Lust or limerence? The important thing here is that you’re both on the same page, and you won’t be devastated to find out he appreciates the aesthetic value of your handsome face in photographs more than on his pillow.
About the author: Rebecca “Ruji” Chapnik received her BA from the University of California, Santa Cruz in 2007. Since then, her global popularity as a freelance writer and visual artist has skyrocketed. She has even begun to make appearances on interplanetary talk shows. Historians are examining a new theory that Ms. Chapnik wrote the U.S. Constitution (and possibly, some say, proofread the first edition of the Bible). She lives in the Bay Area. Her email is : toiletresin@gmail.com
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July 6th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
This is fascinating, Ruji. You seem fascinating as well. I am fascinated by you. I am having trouble controlling my fascination for you. The levels to which I find you fascinating are well — fascinating.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
good articles.liked it alot.stick with it seems like alot of people can get some usefull tips here
July 8th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
This is a very good article, especially the examples of everyday situations. Although I have one suggestion - another red flag that I don’t think you’ve mentioned.
Recently my friend has been calling me at all hours of the day bawling to me about her relationship situation. Her significant other and her are very much in love, but her girlfriend is very hot and cold. One hour everything is fine, and the next she is yelling at her for hanging out with her friends. I told her she needs to stop riding the roller coaster of her girlfriend’s unmedicated bipolar disorder! What do you think? Is this a huge red flag for no return or just a bump in the road?
July 9th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Hey guys, thanks for commenting!
In response to Natalya:
I think of red flags as warning signals. Although a red flag itself can be benign, it suggests the possibility of greater problems ahead. It sounds like your friend’s relationship is past the point of warning signals; she and her girlfriend are already experiencing major issues.
The hot-and-cold act is unlike the scenarios I listed in this article because it doesn’t have to do with emotional availability. Your friend and her girlfriend have successfully dodged the first obstacle to a good relationship, which is the failure to… well, relate. In this case, there might even be too much emotional involvement (dare I say… codependency?). I think your friend would do herself good to separate a bit more from her girlfriend: stop “riding the roller coaster,” as you’ve suggested. Her girlfriend has too much power over her.
I can’t tell you whether this is a bump in the road or something worse. My amateur opinion, however, is that (depending on how bad the situation is) there is probably hope for improvement if your friend starts standing up for herself and/or convinces her girlfriend to get treatment.
July 9th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Ruji,
You are incredibly accomplished and it shows in your writing. I must say, this is a very enlightening article. You should have your own advice column. I look forward to more from you.
July 10th, 2007 at 3:25 am
Thrillingly proprioceptive yet almost Episcopalian in its authenticity. Limerence is my favorite concept of all time.
A friend of mine is in a relationship where everything seems okay during the day, but then at night she has wild lesbian sex against the wall we share. Do you suppose it’s already too late to save the relationship?
July 11th, 2007 at 2:24 am
Limerence is a fascinating concept, pointed out to me by R. and N. I myself have fallen into the entrancing wormhole of limerence but recently…It seems to be the great motive for our cliched image of romantic love, the inspiration of troubador songs, and on.. yet, how transient it tends to be.
The question is: is it still idealistic naivety to hang on to the notion of ‘love’? What say’st thou? Again, we’ll have plenty of semantic trouble, as there seem to be countless definitions of love. But as far as that sense of the word when we shout GOOD GOD I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! —- I believe that is not mere imagining.
July 13th, 2007 at 1:40 am
Hi Jarrodus,
Thanks for your ideas. My thoughts on the matter:
The type of love prevalent in the media seems to be, in many cases, limerence. Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who coined that term to refer to the infatuation phase, argues that what we call “love” does exist, but it is distinct from limerence.
While I agree with her that limerence exists, and that relationships go through different phases, I’m not so sure about the love part. Because the concept has been so overworked in literature, art, philosophy, etc., its meaning has splintered infinitely–as you’ve pointed out. There can be no singular definition. I favor taxonomies of love (like that of the ancient Greeks), which identify several basic categories that all relate to the liking/loving of others.
But the question remains: Is one type of love (agape, for instance) the ULTIMATE love? Is there a type that is qualitatively different from the rest–not just a greater degree of liking? This question can send one’s head spinning.
Perhaps it’s easiest just to leave it in the realm of the subjective. If you shout, “GOOD GOD I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!” and you believe it, then consider it true, and save yourself a lifetime of fruitless analysis… Just a suggestion, anyway.
July 15th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Great read…
I especially have no patience for the “Whatever Vibe”. If a girl is giving that treatment online or on the phone I’ll immediately get on the front foot and say something like “maybe we should talk when you’re not so distracted”
It makes them think about their actions
July 16th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
[…] Read the article here […]
July 17th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
I agree with giving up on the fruitless analysis. I think that what I meant is: can we come to a common conception of love? Perhaps, indeed, it is too subjective to come to collective agreement… I don’t doubt that *IT* exists in the Big Way, at all, because I’ve experienced it.
I currently have an ‘interesting’ intersection of agape and Eros. It is one of my dearest friends, whom I have tinges of romantic interest with. & now she’s found her limerence-cum-relationship boy toy, and we’ve been increasingly drifting away… one of those painful yet ambiguous situations. & it’s fascinating how rationally, I can survey the situation and see that it’s ridiculous to be dramatic/overreactive about it, and yet I still am.
July 27th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Excellent article! Great examples covering many bases. I agree with what you presented as red flags that should most definitely be heeded. You have hit the mark in my book! Sounds a lot like the kind of advice I share.
Curious about those interplanetary talk shows - have you been to Jupiter yet? Astrologically speaking, I hear Jupiter is the happy planet…
August 17th, 2007 at 2:01 am
I really liked your article. I recognize those red flags in the relationships I’ve had. You are wise and articulate. I’m impressed that you know so much at such a young age. You must have a storybook romance yourself. How could you not? Are you single by the way? Just curious.