Recently my friend has been calling me at all hours of the day bawling to me about her relationship situation. Her significant other and her are very much in love, but her girlfriend is very hot and cold. One hour everything is fine, and the next she is yelling at her for hanging out with her friends. I told her she needs to stop riding the roller coaster of her girlfriend’s unmedicated bipolar disorder! What do you think? Is this a huge red flag for no return or just a bump in the road?

In response to Natalya:

I think of red flags as warning signals. Although a red flag itself can be benign, it suggests the possibility of greater problems ahead. It sounds like your friend’s relationship is past the point of warning signals; she and her girlfriend are already experiencing major issues.

The hot-and-cold act is unlike the scenarios I listed in this article because it doesn’t have to do with emotional availability. Your friend and her girlfriend have successfully dodged the first obstacle to a good relationship, which is the failure to… well, relate. In this case, there might even be too much emotional involvement (dare I say… codependency?). I think your friend would do herself good to separate a bit more from her girlfriend: stop “riding the roller coaster,” as you’ve suggested. Her girlfriend has too much power over her.

I can’t tell you whether this is a bump in the road or something worse. My amateur opinion, however, is that (depending on how bad the situation is) there is probably hope for improvement if your friend starts standing up for herself and/or convinces her girlfriend to get treatment.

A friend of mine is in a relationship where everything seems okay during the day, but then at night she has wild lesbian sex against the wall we share. Do you suppose it’s already too late to save the relationship?

The question is: is it still idealistic naivety to hang on to the notion of ‘love’? What say’st thou? Again, we’ll have plenty of semantic trouble, as there seem to be countless definitions of love. But as far as that sense of the word when we shout GOOD GOD I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! —- I believe that is not mere imagining.

Thanks for your ideas. My thoughts on the matter:

The type of love prevalent in the media seems to be, in many cases, limerence. Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who coined that term to refer to the infatuation phase, argues that what we call “love” does exist, but it is distinct from limerence.

While I agree with her that limerence exists, and that relationships go through different phases, I’m not so sure about the love part. Because the concept has been so overworked in literature, art, philosophy, etc., its meaning has splintered infinitely–as you’ve pointed out. There can be no singular definition. I favor taxonomies of love (like that of the ancient Greeks), which identify several basic categories that all relate to the liking/loving of others.

But the question remains: Is one type of love (agape, for instance) the ULTIMATE love? Is there a type that is qualitatively different from the rest–not just a greater degree of liking? This question can send one’s head spinning.

Perhaps it’s easiest just to leave it in the realm of the subjective. If you shout, “GOOD GOD I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!” and you believe it, then consider it true, and save yourself a lifetime of fruitless analysis… Just a suggestion, anyway.

It makes them think about their actions

I currently have an ‘interesting’ intersection of agape and Eros. It is one of my dearest friends, whom I have tinges of romantic interest with. & now she’s found her limerence-cum-relationship boy toy, and we’ve been increasingly drifting away… one of those painful yet ambiguous situations. & it’s fascinating how rationally, I can survey the situation and see that it’s ridiculous to be dramatic/overreactive about it, and yet I still am.

Curious about those interplanetary talk shows - have you been to Jupiter yet? Astrologically speaking, I hear Jupiter is the happy planet…