The Brain on a Date
by Jackson Morris.
The other day my penis and my brain were having an argument over where I should take my date. Certainly the analytical side of my brain and the analytical side of my penis were in total agreement. Those two halves of nothing told me to take the female unit to a comfortable setting that would create inner peace and equality for us both. They told me that this setting would naturally deteriorate the predictable psychological barriers that generally are erected out of new found encounters. During this cerebral powwow the creative side of my brain and the creative side of my penis went to battle over where I should take the female unit. In the process they kidnapped the analytical side of my brain and cut off the blood to the analytical side of my penis, draining it of all life and future decision making.
A decision was made on where to take the female unit. However, the moment she was in optical view, the penis played a wildcard and told the brain we were taking her somewhere else. The brain did not have enough time to respond without looking like someone with a split personality. The penis convinced all of us that we should skip the movie and go out to shoot billiards and drink alcohol. Personally I knew what my penis was up to and thought I would stand back and let my brain figure it out on its own. I don’t think my penis had the full plan yet but I will be damned if he did not have control of the situation.
Before we left, she told me she had to use the little girl’s room (bathroom). While she was gone my brain and penis went at it again (they argue worse than the Olsen twins). My brain was furious over this frivolous behavior and demanded an explanation. My penis said, “Brain, you were going to make that beautiful girl sit in a movie for $10 a head for over 2 hours and neither of us would have got any attention. After the movie you would have ended up at bar anyway so why not skip the middle man and get some drinks in her”? My brain (hopeless romantic) was offended and shot back with, “Penis, I like this girl and don’t want to just have sex with her! She could be the one you stupid dumbass!”
This conversation came to a complete halt right before she returned because my penis used a backhanded insult regarding brain’s failed attempt at the TV show Jeopardy. So it was off to Blue Cafe - a roadhouse saloon billiard hall and music venue that seems to always conclude with tons of chicks dancing together drunk. My penis was in heaven and my brain was dizzy.
Ultimately she got hammered drunk and started dancing with guys and girls I did not know. My penis had not betrayed me, it had just made a decision that many other penises had made that same night. I did not get laid and even my brain was pissed about that. My brain got the last word in though as I laid there in bed with my penis in my hand, “I told you so! I told you to keep her away from other penises the first night you stupid!” My penis knew my brain was right but that was no consolation as I choked it to death.
Dichotomy of a Headrush
The above scenario plays out every night in Everytown, USA. Men are in a constant struggle with what they think and feel in the infatuated and inflated moments of a date and the arguments between my penis and brain are way too familiar. I have been on a date where the girl might make one significant comment - that comment can make up for ten other stupid comments and now my brain starts seeing her as a viable partner when only moments before that my penis saw her as a bang buddy only.
When a man asks a woman out, 9 out of 10 ten times it is based on physical attraction (penis). How long your physical attraction lasts with that one person will be based on mutual attraction (brain). So how does the brain and penis find a happy medium? The simple fact of the matter is that your penis and brain will never ever, ever, ever reach common ground. The only time they agree is during orgasm or sleep. Everyone has a role, your brain has a role and your penis have a roll and if everybody just does their friggin job then we can all get along.
The penis will choose the girls and the brain will do the talking. The brain will ask her intelligent questions and the penis will smile and flirt when she answers. The penis will choose what you wear and the brain will compliment what she is wearing. The brain will show good boy qualities and penis will show bad boy qualities. The brain will SHOW her you are a gentleman and the penis will show her how female she is. The penis will produce sex and the brain will turn it into seduction. The brain and penis can work in harmony as long as you know how to treat a woman. Some girls may not want you for your brain so just live by the following rule on any date.
“Make a beautiful woman feel intelligent and make an intelligent woman feel sexy.”
About the author: Jackson is a full time freelance writer from Southern California. In addition to his newspaper column “Dating 101″ he has penned hundreds of lifestyles articles for magazines and the web. A former stand-up writer he has written for the stage and worked on three popular TV dating show pilots. You can contact him at sexxions@yahoo.com
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June 17th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Very, very true. This was very well put and I have to say, from a woman’s perspective, I’m wishing more men realized which part they were “thinking” with at a given moment.
I wonder what the female equivalent to the penis/brain tug of war? Do we think with our vaginas?
June 24th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Excellent article. I wish everyone could be so honest. A strange battle us men must endure and if the women aren’t engaged in the same battle they are surely amused.
April 6th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Very insightful. This is valuable information. I love it, if everyone read this, people would be happier with their lives. But most boys arent willing or able to show good qualities, even with there brains.
And dude above me? Its not at all amusing. -_-’