jesusluvsblondz07
by Annee Mayer-Chapleau.
As a new writer for 15minutedate.com, my last intention is to sound narcissistic. However, I am afraid that impression is unavoidable because today I will not only be speaking for myself, but for Jesus as well. We are currently living in the year 2007, and our society of the United States of America has practically become numb to the most private aspect of a human’s life: sex.
The values that our citizens once so proudly cherished in sitcoms like Leave it to Beaver-education, family, and respect, are now slowly drowning in 50 Cent lyrics, strip clubs, and photo rating sites like hotornot.com. Despite what your beliefs may be, Jesus has been watching from the Holy City in the clouds, and is anticipating the very moment when our Earth has finally reached its breaking point; when we are finally over our heads with sin and injustice.
Perhaps this moment will arise when One Night in Paris comes out with a sequel, or when the lingerie show for Victoria’s Secret chooses to lose the lingerie entirely and model only angel wings and a horny smile. Jesus and I are not exactly sure, but we know this time is quickly approaching.
By quickly approaching, we mean…probably this June. When Jesus returns to save us we would like you to consider allowing Him to freely indulge in luxuries such as Nike jumpsuits, Blatz beer, and most importantly, online dating sites, during His visit. It is only fair. Before you scoff and oppose, please stress the fact that He has forgiven you for the majority of your sins, including downloading bestiality porn, even though you “just wanted to see what it was like.” And if that is not enough to convince you, recognize that He ultimately decides the fate of your soul, despite your oppositions.
With that said, He has made a rough sketch of his online dating profile that He would like to share before The Second Night in Paris: Guest Starring Phil Collins hits news stands in June.
jesusluvsblondz07
Member Since: 31st Jan 2007
Last Login: Online Now
About Me: Hi. I’m not really looking for a serious relationship, more of a Tap-It-And-Run sort of encounter. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to cuddle in front of an episode of South Park with one special lady every weeknight; it’s just that I will only be on Earth for a few hours and I want to make the most of it. I’m not looking for a Mary Magdalene kind of chick, but more of a dishwater blonde who listens to Green Day. You know, the kind of girl who can make me say “Hallelujah!” and isn’t expecting a ranch-style home in the suburbs of Minneapolis in return.
A lot of people think I am the God incarnate, who came to provide salvation and reconciliation with God, and I’m not going to say whether or not that is true, because it is irrelevant. I am a laid back guy, who likes building kitchen tables and texting racist jokes to my buddies when I am at work. Actually, nothing can explain me better than lyrics to my favorite song “In Da Club,” by 50 Cent.
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making love
So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed
So, email me if you’re interested in having a good time with a nice guy, especially if your name is Nicole Richie. I love you on The Simple Life!
Name: Jesus
Sex: Male
Alt. Email Address: jesusluvsblondz@gmail.com
Birthday: December 25th
About the author: Annee’s writing was published in Stoned, Naked, and Looking in My Neighbor’s Window, a compiled book of the best confessions from www.grouphug.us by Gabriel Jeffery. She is a barista in a coffee house. She is also a creative writing student at UW River Falls. She will be writing columns for UW River Fall’s newspaper, the Student Voice. She plan to use the Student Voice to express her feelings on various issues, which will most likely get her banned from the newspaper or make her famous. Here’s the link to Annee’s page.
Popularity: 2% [?]
June 3rd, 2007 at 6:11 am
This is amazing!
June 3rd, 2007 at 8:12 am
Love this. So, basically, Jesus is like every other guy on craigslist/match/whatever, ruining it for the couple of good fellas still out there, right?
Hopefully he doesn’t lie about his age, too. That would be disappointing considering he’s the Lord and all.
The teaser doesn’t read well, btw. I genuinely thought you were a bible thumper at first glance, because the “coming this June” portion doesn’t show in the initial content displayed on the main blog home page. Good thing the other posts were thoughtful enough to make me come back and click.
June 3rd, 2007 at 11:36 pm
First of all, thank you both for the sweet comments. I talked to Jesus this morning and He said you both get an automatic pass to Heaven.
Johnny, it’s true…I guess having Jesus on 15minutedate.com makes it a little harder for the other guys to get a date or two. And what do you mean the teaser doesn’t read well? I think the main page will be advertising The Second Night In Paris: Guest Starring Phil Collins pretty soon. Keep your eyes peeled! He plays a live version of “I Can’t Dance” at the end when the credits roll and I NEED a signed copy!
June 4th, 2007 at 2:27 am
Annee, I absolutely loved this. It’s fantastic.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
HAHAHA! Annee, you’re too funny
Good work
June 4th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Oh Annee…hilarious!
June 8th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I love the way this is written. You’ve got a natural knack for the whole irony thing. Plus, everyone knows that whole water-to-wine thing that Jesus pulled was just to get a whole bunch of girls drunk. He’s a crafty monkey is that one.
June 10th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
god.. this is nice and funny.. i juts love ur blog..
thanks
June 12th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Annee. You amaze me so. I am glad that you finally got this published. I cannot wait to read more from you.
I am only sorry you forgot to mention that he would probably not be looking for a nice Jewish girl with a nagging mother toting behind her with a chuppah and fresh-baked matzah.
That is all that disappoints me in this article. Otherwise, I laughed until I almost peed a little. And you know how rarely that happens. Pssht.
Miss you.