The 15 Minute Dating Blog

by Colleen O’Brien

I’ve learned that some guys lie on craigslist (and in life) to make themselves look good. (To be fair, so do some women. Since when do “curvy” and “obese” mean the same thing?) I’m not sure why people present themselves falsely when they know they’ll be found out, but I’m quite the opposite. Why lie?

I’ve learned that 5′5″ is the same as 5′10″ around here. If you’re 5′5″, that’s perfectly fine. But why say you’re 5′10″ when I’ll find out soon enough that I can look you straight in the eye without craning my neck? Chances are excellent that that’s the only date we’ll have.

I’ve learned that on paper, guys can be exactly what you ask them to be. They’re smart, attractive and generous. But upon meeting, you find that they’re smart when it comes to knowing the stats of the Cubs starting lineup of 1987 and that’s it, attractive only to their mother, and generous with the body fat. Again, it’s about full disclosure. You guys know how you get when girls promise they look like Mandy Moore and they show up looking like Dudley Moore. It’s the same on our end. Hey, nothing against Duds, but if you’re holding back critical information like this, one can only imagine what else you left out.

I’ve also learned that some people are not proficient in math. I’m 36; I’d be interested in meeting someone “around my age”. This does not mean the inverse of my age. (Oh, yes. Your grampa has contacted me on occasion.)

I never expected to meet anyone that I really clicked with, thinking there weren’t “those” types of guys here. But I’m here, so I can only hope that someone like me is reading now.

Someone who’s intelligent, but not in a condescending way. Someone people go to for advice, since you’re the voice of reason. Someone who’s attractive. Someone who treats his body with respect (no drugs or smoking, gets regular exercise, etc.). Someone who likes sarcastic (sometimes juvenile) humor, and can dish it out as well as take it. Someone who loves to travel. Someone who can hold an intelligent conversation about more than a 356. Someone who knows what he wants, and is happy being his own person. If you love live music, that’s a plus.

I’m not a sports fan, a politics fan or a religion fan. I won’t drag you to church, or beg you to watch Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy with me. (I’ve never seen either.) I might try to get you off the couch for a bike ride or a dog walk. I have 2 big dogs that I love to death, so if you have a dog, I totally “get” how you feel. I’m happier outdoors on a sunny day, than indoors. I like challenging my brain. I laugh at Will Ferrell. (That’s a contradiction, isn’t it?) I love a good steak. I’m not a big drinker, though I’ll have an occasional glass of wine. I’m in good shape, and work out regularly. I’m told I’m “hot”. (I’m modest; I’m just telling you what I’ve heard.)

If you don’t have kids, cats, a smoking or drinking problem and/or a restraining order against you, we might possibly get along.

So what’s wrong with being a little demanding?

If you weren’t, you could end up with a toothless hillbilly crack addict. I’m not willing to take that chance, so I’m hoping to find a guy who has standards. Someone who is actually with me because he wants to be, not because football isn’t on, so he has nothing better to do. Someone who actually want to meet the right girl, not someone who just wants to meet any girl. But someone who is secure enough to pass on one if she’s not right. Nothing is more unattractive than a guy (or girl) who hangs on for dear life to something that isn’t right for fear of being…gasp…alone.

I’ve heard guys say they don’t care what a girl looks like, since they’re attracted to the personality. Yeah, sure. I’ll believe that when a guy tells me he dated a 600# hooker with Tourette’s and a lazy eye. Until then, he can go ahead and keep on thinking looks don’t matter. Of course, they’re not the most important thing, but you definitely have to be attracted to someone.

So go ahead, have some demands. Just to make it fair, don’t demand anything you can’t deliver yourself. I’ll even help you with this daunting task.

So guys, here are your demands:

- Smart (I have an MBA, if you’re interested in formal education. More importantly, I have enough street smarts to get us out of jams, provided you don’t make a habit of getting us into said jams.)

- Cute (This is awkward because I think it sounds conceited when people say they’re attractive. So I won’t say anything of the sort. But suffice it to say, I can get a second look. Or a third…from men with 32 teeth, too!)

- Good shape (See above. You know you don’t want to date a fat girl. Especially if you ARE fat. It always kills me when a guy that looks like a keg on legs wants a size 0 girl. You’d expect that comment to come from someone fat and bitter. I would too, but I’m neither. I’m in the low single digits, size-wise. And no, there’s not a “1″ in front of it.)

- Funny (That is of MAJOR importance in my life. I think I can make you laugh. And if I don’t, I know how to work a defibrillator.)

- Generous (I spend my spare time trying to give dogs better lives.)

- Witty (If you have to have someone that can keep up with your banter, I’m your girl. Only if you demand funny banter, and it’s not totally stupid or corny,)

- Active (I like exercising, and being outside on sunny days.)

- Non-smoker (Nothing says “I have great judgment” better than black lungs.)

- Light drinker (Super light. You won’t catch me embarrassing myself beyond belief and blaming the alcohol. Lord knows I can do that perfectly when sober.)

- Hates the words “disorientated” and “irregardless” (Are those even words??)

Good luck finding someone who meets those! Man, you guys are demanding!

Pam looking for her Jim…

I love reading these posts. I generally don’t respond, but it doesn’t stop me from being thoroughly entertained by guys who think a one sentence post will find them true love. Who gets responses to “SWM looking for SWF…please respond if you have nostrils…”?

Which is why I hope to be a little more insightful. The guys that think I ask for too much generally can’t deliver. (For the record, I prefer guys with standards. High ones.) If you’re not in shape, not interested in bettering yourself in some way and your mom still cuts your crusts off, then you’ll probably see me as demanding. If you’re attractive, funny and smart and you look at the world through a veil of sarcasm, you’ll do just fine. If you like dogs, that’s a plus. (In my opinion, it says a lot about a guy if he has cats. And what it’s saying isn’t good.) Do you like engaging, fun conversation? Good. I’ve met men that can’t hold a decent conversation. (Note I said “decent” conversation. I’m really not interested in knowing Dale Jr.’s stats or that you waited up all night - in costume - to be first in line at the Star Trek convention.) Do you play an instrument? That’s not necessary (I have both a piano and a guitar and can play neither), but I find that guys that are musically inclined are usually less interested in sports. I’m not a big fan and could never understand how guys could get so wrapped up in something as if their lives depended on it. And sometimes wear makeup while doing it. I wear makeup. You should not. (There goes the one guy that was still reading…)

So here it is in a nutshell;

Are you cute? (Who are we kidding? It’s not everything, but we have to be attracted to each other.)
Are you sincere? (And I’m not talking about the Michael Scott kind of sincerity.)
Are you smart? (Talk to me!)
Are you funny? (Please make me laugh and I’ll try to return the favor.)
Are you empathetic? (Do you care about others’ feelings, or are you more interested in hearing the sound of your own voice? And if you dig listening to yourself, aren’t you tired of it by now?)

I’m all of the above and then some. (It would be hypocritical to want it and not be able to give it, now wouldn’t it?) I like live music and observational humor (think Seinfeld). I’m in my mid-30s (though I’ve told I don’t look it. Lord knows I don’t act it.), never married, no kids. Though I love kids, I’m not looking for that right now. I’ve been called anything from “cute” to “hot”. (Hey, I’m just repeating. I would never be that immodest.)

It’d be nice to see what you look like, but I totally understand if you haven’t gotten your Glamour Shots proofs back yet. I’m not looking for someone who will insist that I meet him immediately or talk to him on the phone in the next five minutes. I’d like us to be comfortable with each other first, and know more about you than your first name before I meet you. Pam would never go for that, anyway.

About the author: Colleen is a freelance writer living outside Chicago with her two rescued Golden Retrievers. She has written more than her share of personal ads for her own entertainment and that of her friends. Her interests include saving the canine world from abuse and abandonment and finding typos on menus.

Popularity: 3% [?]

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 19th, 2007 at 11:48 pm and is filed under Horror Stories, Dating and Relationships Opinions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.