The 15 Minute Dating Blog

by Sunil Tinani

My whole body tingled as I looked at Amy Lou. She was built like Pamela Anderson, seemed as intelligent as Jodie Foster and looked as if she wanted to party 24/7. That was the good news. The bad news was I was looking at her photograph on a dating site where I was hunting around to make some new female friends aged 40–50, because at that age women understood a lot of things. Plus, I was 45 and any woman below 38 or so would fall in my “juvenile” bracket.

The key elements in her dating dossier read:

She enjoyed most things in life (I liked that because size wouldn’t matter to her)

She was comfortable and easy going.

She wasn’t hung up on life (But I was! Heh, heh)

She loved music.

She had a son (That meant “No commitments”. Nice.)

She was agnostic.

She was 5′4″, and had a tanned brown bod.

And most important of all – she was looking for a man who wouldn’t pester her into a commitment. Wow! That sounded like she was looking for me! Her bio turned me on and I did what every man does when he feels a woman turns him on madly – I bought 2 bottles of pheromones and a mini vacuum cleaner.

After that, I wasted no time in mailing my life story along with my contact details to Amy and she replied with her contact numbers. I called her up and suddenly felt my hormones splashing violently – Amy Lou possessed the huskiest, the sexiest voice I had ever heard in my life. We set up a date at her place for the weekend and once I was done calling her I did what every man does when a woman invites him over to her pad for a date – I began practicing kegels and worked on some deep breathing exercises.

D-Day arrived. I splashed the pheromones around important places and vacuum cleaned my navel fluff (I know what you were thinking of 2 paras back when I wrote about buying a vacuum cleaner!). Taking a deep breath, I drove to her home.

Let’s pause before the action begins. Hah!

The door was opened by a 6′3″ monster who looked like the son of the Incredible Hulk. I was nonplussed – but the son of Hulk smiled at me and told me Amy was inside, expecting me. This guy smelt of prison bars and his molars were missing. I wondered what relation he had with Amy – was she his parole officer and had he dropped in for some reporting? I wondered to myself as the Hulk followed me inside.

As I entered the living room, I saw Amy. Her back was towards me and she was arranging the flowers above the fireplace. And then she turned to face me.

She was no less than 55 years – the crow’s feet below her eyes and her sagging gait gave her age away. The photo she had uploaded on the dating site was taken when she was 40. She had married early when she was 18; her husband had left her 15 years back and the Incredible Hulk was her son who had a prison record for spraying graffiti on government buildings. I was right about Hulk and the prison, but I was wrong about Amy.

But there was more to come.

She was agnostic no doubt, but she was a member of a cult who hated both atheists and believers equally. She was easy going, but only if the guy she was with was easy going too, otherwise she was a female Mike Tyson. She loved music – but, she liked to listen and play only classical music and her favorite musician was Gustav Mahler, who was famous for composing tragic, long and boring Brahms type symphonies. Amy insisted on playing Mahler’s Symphony of the Thousand for me. The damn thing went on for over an hour and almost sent me into a coma! I figured Mahler was the leading assassin of his time and he could kill effortlessly just by playing the piano to his victims!

After that we sat down for a dinner cooked by the home-loving Amy. The dinner was duck cooked in pig’s fat. Dessert was an ice cream. But this was great stuff compared to everything else I had been through. Anyway, the Incredible Hulk gulped down over 80% of the dinner, so, no sweat there.

It was late night when I was “released” from Amy Lou’s house. As I drove back, I figured that dating sites should at least do a check if their members are truthful or not. I mean it isn’t enough getting membership fees and letting members post whatever crap they want to. Maybe, they could at least feature a “refund” system for innocent members who came into contact with people like Amy Lou.

Mind you, I have nothing against Amy Lou. She wanted to make friends and maybe she was desperate and that’s why she lied. But hey, what about me? I too had paid the membership charges at the dating site and was looking for a great time – I was looking for a woman who made no bones about going out on a date or having a fling – but look what I got!

Maybe I’m unlucky, I don’t know. But I’m not going to give up trying.

About the author: Born to a father and a mother over 4 decades back, Sunil took a liking to the environment as soon as his umbilical cord was severed – Doctors say that he first demanded fresh milk, though there are no records to prove this. At 11, Sunil started watering his moustache, a strategic move that fetched him returns at age 13 when his mouche hairs started sprouting out. His dad and mum awarded him with a shaving set. At age 33, unable to convince his hormones, Sunil married. His scientist-author wife learnt him good English. Then Sunil started writing. His first and only book was a take-off on Salman’s Rushdie’s “The Satanic Verses” – Sunil brilliantly named his book “The Moronic Verses”, produced 1000 copies of the book and managed to sell 2 copies, of which his dad bought one. His wife purchased a copy too. Then at age 34 – in 1996, Sunil started a magazine called “Cool Coed” which was sponsored by Levi’s Jeans and was circulated free in colleges situated in Indian metros. In 2001, Levi’s discontinued the sponsorship when one of their staff read a copy and found it had no content barring the covers. Their excuse to Sunil was that “they had run out of budgets”. Hah! Now, Sunil is a freelancer. He now writes serious SEO stuff, news snippets and some stray funny stuff that is thrown his way. Sunil Tinani is also an Chartered Accountant by qualification who loves to write. Should you wish to contact him, send him your stinker at sunil@need-an-article.net. In case you do not want to write him a stinker, he’ll appreciate a donation to his Paypal account.

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This entry was posted on Monday, May 14th, 2007 at 9:52 pm and is filed under Horror Stories, Humorous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.