Online Dating Profile Dictionary
by Anne Harper
A friend recently decided to enter the world of online dating. Because I’ve been in the trenches for a few years, she asked me for advice.
“Read people’s profiles like you’re reading the real estate ads,” I told her. “Think about it. A ‘charming guest house’ is really a garage with indoor/outdoor carpeting, a toilet and a hot plate. A ‘handyman’s dream’ is a dump. And ‘Beverly Hills adjacent’ is NOT in Beverly Hills.”
I didn’t want to sound cynical, but more than a few disappointing dates had helped me hone my interpretive skills. Experience has taught me that it’s human to embellish one’s profile. But that’s compounded by my own tendency to project my desires onto what others have written.
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| With more and more people interested in online dating nowadays it’s no longer considered abnormal to start a dating relationship by meeting online first. |
It’s a dangerous combination, because we all have fantasies about finding that hidden gem that just went on the market - that rent controlled apartment with hardwood floors or that designer dress on the clearance rack. We may have even scored the perfect place or outfit before, so we know it’s possible. Both my sister and cousin have found their wonderful husbands on line. It does happen.
And you so want your partner to be just a click away. You want to get off the online dating ride as soon as possible so you might not read the fine print. To save my friend and myself further disappointment, I drew up this glossary of terms to remind us to review profiles with dubiousness. This is not to say that all prospective dates embellish - it’s just that I know I do - I create the reality and then am disappointed when the guy doesn’t match up. Hopefully these terms will help us keep perspective…and a sense of humor while we continue our quest.
| Laid Back and Relaxing: I’m lazy |  |
Easy going: I’m passive aggressive
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Loves to read: I have a huge collections of playboy and penthouse. |
Down to earth: 1. I don’t have an original thought in my head. 2. If you’re smart, pretty, or successful you will make me feel insecure and I will hate you.
Well rounded: I am not really good at anything that comes to mind right now.
| Loves sports: I usually spend the day watching ESPN on my couch. |  |
Independent Minded: I’m very stubborn and you better not get in my way.
Creative: If I weren’t a pharmaceutical salesman, I would have time to write the great American novel. (Helpful hint: check to see if their profile really is creative. Creative people don’t usually say they’re creative.)
| Different from others: There is something wrong with me that I prefer not to disclose at this moment. |  |
Romantic: I will come on strong and make you like me. Then I will feel good about myself, and I’ll split like a banana.
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Self-Confident: I am arrogant and also a control freak. |
| Friendly: I would like to be your friend for the night. |  |
Have a kind heart: See previous definition.
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Definitely wants kids: Looking for my mommy. |
| Likes to meet new people: I would like to date you and 80% of the women in your neighborhood (all at the same time). |  |
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Loves golf: You’ll always be second. |
Open-minded: Would you like to have a three-some on our first date?
| Likes the finer things: I’m looking for one of Heff’s girls. |  |
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Great listener: If you say something that sounds boring, I will do a good job in pretending to be listening. |
People say I’m a very funny guy: not funny
Spontaneous: I have a problem dealing with reality and I tend to be self-centered at times.
| Very Spiritual: 1. Occasionally I can see spirits when I smoke marijuana. 2. I’m a religious nut and I want to convert you to my religion. |  |
Eager to help others: I’m nosy and I tend to ask a lot of inappropriate questions.
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Sweet and Sensitive Guy: I will shower you with flowers and candies and make you like me. Then I will feel good about myself, and I’ll perform a Houdini act for you. |
| Love the outdoors: If we date, get married, and have a family, don’t ask me to clean the bathroom, help with the kids or go grocery shopping because those things don’t take place outdoors. |  |
About the author: Anne Harper is a freelance writer and artist who lives in Los Angeles. She has gone on many wonderful dates. As challenging as internet dating is, Anne appreciates that it’s a great way to meet people who would never otherwise enter her life. She considers herself a savvy and still optimistic dater.
Popularity: 5% [?]
April 20th, 2007 at 7:03 am
Haha, that’s one way to look at it. Way to go with the Buddy Christ.
April 21st, 2007 at 2:01 am
Hilarious, I must share this with some friends hehe
April 21st, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I just LOVED the Spider Man dancing figure LOL!
April 22nd, 2007 at 7:29 pm
haha, now that’s real funny! So actually everyone’s profiles are double-meaning in nature? *grins. Watch out, on the net!
April 23rd, 2007 at 8:50 am
Love it. It’s really spot on!
April 28th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Hi, Your Dad and Mother sent me this. It’s both funny and extremely accurate. I’ve had friends recently who did on-line dating and they met their husband on line. Amazingly, she was a 50-something mother of 5 children (grown up now) whose husband left her years ago to raise the kids and he was the male counterpart whose wife left (except he has 2 teenage sons at home). They got married in December and are now living in Queens.
As Pam and her 20 year old daughter lived with us for almost a year before her marriage I was in on a bit of how the dating game worked. It’s an amazing thing. Your Uncle John met Marcie on line too and they are still very much together.
Glad I got to see your work. Love, Aunt Patricia
April 29th, 2007 at 8:02 am
Great analysis. Thanks for putting a definition to some phrases I’ve been guilty of using myself, I was going to do it but I guess I’m
Laid Back: I’m lazy
April 29th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Can’t quite figure out why you’re single? Seems to always be the dudes fault huh? Denile an’t just a river.
May 1st, 2007 at 6:42 pm
[…] americana bolou um dicionário para os termos mais comuns nos sites de relacionamentos […]
May 2nd, 2007 at 5:08 am
I think Rod the Prodder makes a very good point. Not only is it a good and valid point, but also very, very funny! If more people looked at, and understood, themselves (men and women) externally, they would heighten their ability to connect with those around them because their perception of themselves is more congruent with reality. Until you take that step to know/appreciate who you are, there is no chance of being able to have a positive relationship because half (or more!) of that relationship don’t even know themselves. Of course everyone “knows” themselves, but the challenge is to know yourself how others might know you. This isn’t to say that you should base yourself (or your self esteem) on other’s opinions of you. Just that when you understand the perceptions, and the ways they come about, others potentially make of you, you are much more prepared to deal with the ideas or situations in which these initial perceptions are a huge factor, kinda like in a relationship or that “Dating Game!”
May 2nd, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Internet Dating Online
Some portions of this article sounds interesting. May be you have some links where I could read more about this topic?
May 6th, 2007 at 3:18 am
I laughed so hard at this list. The little graphics are hysterical too. Great stuff!
Here via the humor carnival.
May 16th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Funny post. Many of those are spot-on.
I’m going to place this ad:
“Boring, ugly, poor, uninteresting good-for-nothing, putz seeks over-dramatic, attention-seeking, bitter chick who thinks she’s prettier than she really is.”
Wish me luck.
July 4th, 2007 at 2:37 am
Very funny and not far off the truth!
May 25th, 2008 at 1:35 am
You made me laugh! I’m working on an internet book myself. sounds like we’ve all been there done that - but isn’t it fun???????????? Cross dressers, registered sex perps, alcoholics!!!!!!!!!!! You just have to laugh and enjoy it!